Tactical voters hopelessly confused

TACTICAL voters no longer have any idea who they are meant to be voting for or who they are trying to keep out, they have admitted.

There’s no point trying to be clever about this

The rise of UKIP, the fall of the Lib Dems and the frantic oscillation of Labour and the Conservatives have made tactical voting more complicated than quantum physics.

Joseph Turner of Leeds said: “In 1997 I voted Labour to get the Tories out, in 2005 I voted Lib Dem to get Labour out, and four years ago I voted Tory to get the Tories out, which seemed to make sense at the time.

“Now I’m told that if I vote UKIP I’ll wake up in bed with Ed Miliband, if I vote Labour I’ll wake up in bed with Nigel Farage, and if I vote Lib Dem that Nick Clegg will move all his stuff in and put his name on the mortgage.

“Do they just mean in bed, or will I actually have to do it with them? And is there any way I can stop it?”

Political blogger Susan Traherne said: “UKIP’s growing power, the Greens overtaking the Lib Dems and the willingness of every party to go into coalition with every other means tactical voting is over.

“Voters are now advised simply to cast their vote for the party they would most like to see actually running the county.

“Which admittedly doesn’t make the choice any easier.”

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Nigel Farage outside Downing St jiggling legs impatiently

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has begged the Government to just let him take over now because he is too excited to wait any longer.

Has already been told off for shaking it

Farage, who is currently outside the Downing Street gates asking police officers “Is it time yet? What about now?” repeatedly, is unable to keep still or properly enjoy his pint and cigarettes.

He said: “It’s driving me mad.

“I’ve already been waiting for years and years and to be told there are still 167 sleeps left until I can wake up and unwrap the new Britain is more than I can bear.

“I mean I already know what it is and I’ll enjoy it even more if I can have it now so it’s not fair that I have to wait until May.

“Please. Please. Please please please please please. Pleeeeeeeease?”

Farage then lay on his back kicking wildly at the air with his eyes tightly closed in the forlorn hope that it would cause time to pass more quickly.

The Speaker of the House said: “I feel for Nigel, but I can’t make an exception for him.

“I say exactly the same thing to George Osborne every day when he comes in with a new reason why he has to stop being the boring Chancellor and start all his lucrative consultancies.

“Until May Nigel can just play with the two MPs he’s got, even if they are second-hand.”