ENGLAND started their fight back against India after being released temporarily from a Derren Brown hypno-spell.
The side had spent the previous three days stumbling around the pitch as Brown clicked his fingers and made them eat raw onions and pretend to be hummingbirds.
India, played by a set of unconvincing actors, had been instructed to absolutely batter England around the pitch continuously while the sex-bearded illusionist smiled and whispered directions to them from the commentary box.
Alistair Cook, England’s head stooge, said: “As I walked from the pavilion yesterday I was convinced I was an 18th Century farmer surveying my crops when I noticed a man hurtling toward me with what I initially thought was a beetroot.
“Then it suddenly struck me – oh fuck, it’s cricket.
“But today Im so very, very tired once more and it all now seems like a half forgotten memory.”
He added: “So am I an 18th Century farmer dreaming hes a cricketer, or a cricketer dreaming hes an 18th Century farmer? All I know is that I have an overwhelming desire to avoid travelling to Australia.”
Cricketologist Wayne Hayes said: “This test has been like the film Awakenings but starring people who are not as good at cricket as Robert De Niro and Robin Williams.”