England offers Italy moratorium on ‘reversing tank’ joke

ENGLAND has offered to call a temporary halt to jokes about how quickly Italian tanks can reverse.

Prime minister David Cameron made the offer to Italian counterpart Matteo Renzi last night in a desperate two-hour phone call.

Mr Cameron said: “I stopped short of banning the Italian tank joke completely because that would be a profound erosion of our national sovereignty.

“I’ve offered him a three year tank joke ceasefire, which, being Italian, he was more than happy to accept.



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Steven Gerrard walks alone into jungle

ENGLAND captain Steven Gerrard last night walked into the Amazon jungle on his own.

The midfielder, whose errors over the last few months have cost Liverpool the title and England the World Cup, disappeared into the darkness of the rainforest without a backwards look.

Teammate Daniel Sturridge said: “Stevie’s been talking a lot about the South American tradition of the Jaguar King, in which the previous leader is sacrificed at the end of his period of rule.

“He’s also saying that perhaps he would concede fewer tackles if he was entwined in snakes.”

Gerrard is expected to return before Tuesday’s game against Costa Rica, completely naked and painted in the garish colours of the green-winged macaw.

During his absence he will be replaced by his consort Alex Curran, who has already attracted worshippers because of her eternally golden skin.