BBC launches BBC All Day Breakfast

THE BBC is to introduce a new rolling 24-hour channel dedicated to breakfast TV.

Presented round the clock by Bill Turnbull and Louise Minchin from the couch in Salford, every item will begin with the words “Good morning, it’s five past seven.”

Set against the backdrop of a permanently rising sun, the show will consist entirely of light, breezy items such as a Colchester man who breeds wallabies in his back garden, an EastEnders star becoming a WestEnder by appearing in a new musical, or an outside broadcast from a vegetable show.

Head of BBC programming Tom Booker said, “Our research showed that we have more viewers at breakfast time than at most other times, so we concluded that audience must want it to always be breakfast.

“People slumped on the settee eating cornflakes in their pyjamas, insensible to the time of day, are licence payers too.

“And they are legion.”

He added: “On BBC All Day Breakfast, everyone always smiles, there will always be something inane but mildly diverting around the corner, and it will never be time to go to work.”

Presenter Bill Turnbull insisted he was unfazed by the challenge of staying awake with a gentle twinkle in his eye for the rest of his life.

He said: “For me, breakfast is paradise. I cannot bear to face lunchtime, evening, or worse, the hellish night with its slow, encroaching horrors.

“Good morning, it’s five past seven.”

 

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Cambridge experts prove England can still qualify

ENGLAND can qualify for the second round of the World Cup if the remaining group games are played in a 12-dimensional universe.

Theoretical mathematicians at Cambridge University found that England can progress if x = y-2z in a universe where England have already beaten Italy and the Costa Rican bus got lost on the way to Brazil.

Professor Julian Cook said: “That universe needs to have at least 12 dimensions because in all the possible outcomes in all the possible universes Steven Gerrard will still find a way to help the other team score.

“It’s called the Gerrard Constant and it’s a pain in the arse. What, just because I do maths for a living means I can’t be a football fan? That’s what’s wrong with this country.”

Professor Cook added: “Obviously Italy could beat Costa Rica and Uruguay and then England could hammer Costa Rica, but we’re going to go with the 12 dimensional universe – and some very impressive maths, even if I do say so myself.”

England manager Roy Hodgson has promised that the current squad could create a new ‘golden ratio’ of  disappointment, making the failure achieved by Lampard, Gerrard and the Coles look like a nursery school abacus.

Hodgson, himself a keen amateur mathematician, said: “The training regime will continue to be tackles that are 40 percent of what they should be and shots and passes that are wilfully approximate.”