Expanded Stamford Bridge could fit up to two Mourinhos

CHELSEA have announced plans to double their stadium’s Jose Mourinho capacity.

The West London arena has been large enough for just one Mourinho since 2004, but the club hopes that adding an extra Portuguese tactician could give them the boost they need to challenge for next season’s Premier League.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “We’re adding another suite of mirrors, doubling the size of the press room, and building a new lounge for lovesick journalists to lie down and fan themselves after speaking to the Special One. Special Ones.”

“Then we could have one Mourinho giving instructions to park the bus while another Mourinho abuses the linesman.

“Or we could have one hiding in a laundry basket while the other one pokes rival managers in the eye.”

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Everyone must like everything

PEOPLE who don’t like everything must have something wrong with them, it has been confirmed.

New research has found that all music, art, opinions, religion, places, anything anyone posts on the internet and indeed any activity currently occurring are brilliant.

Anyone who doesn’t like everything is just bitter.

Psychologist Emma Bradford said: “Some might say everyone is being nice about everything out of some pathetic attempt at self-advancement, or because we exist in a marketing-driven culture where substance counts for nothing.

“Others might argue this overwhelming positivity exists because it is no longer enough to simply turn up at a job and do it, you have to be deliriously passionate about whatever it is you do, which causes a type of insanity.

“But those haters are wrong, well not wrong because nobody can be wrong about anything but differently right.”

Bradford cited music festivals, boutique camping, friends’ recently renovated houses and babies as examples of things that are unimpeachably amazing.

29-year-old Tom Booker said: “I’m really open-minded and eclectic, so I appreciate everything.

“Even comedy songs about rape. They’re funny. And animals that have just been run over. They’re cute.

“I’m going on a trip soon to a jungle, which will be amazing, then I’m running in a marathon – also amazing – then eating some amazing food.

“Everything is awesome, even the feeling that sometimes my life is a hollow charade of thinly-veiled narcissism, that’s awesome too, just because it exists.”