Zuckerberg dies turning Facebook back on

MARK Zuckerberg has sacrificed himself to make Facebook work again.

After the social network went down, Zuckerberg led a team into the vast labyrinth of tunnels beneath Facebook HQ, discovering that to fix the problem one person would have to enter the website’s radioactive core.

Facebook employee Tom Logan said: “Somehow a dead bird had gotten wedged between the nuclear-powered servers, triggering a meltdown.

“Mark knew doing the reboot was a one way journey. He refused a protective suit, as he was fully aware that it could not stop his organs liquefying.

“As the door slid shut behind him, he turned and gave a thumbs up through the hatch. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Internet user Tom Logan said: “That’s cool but I was momentarily inconvenienced so fuck him and Facebook, I’m 100 per cent Twitter now.”

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I plan to give my wife a good interrogating

Dear Holly,

Having decided to throw in the towel at Newsnight, I am looking forward to getting to go to bed at a decent hour, and possibly show my wife a good time in the process. My plan is to interrogate her vigorously and without mercy and then patronise her until she begs me to stop. Should I wear a suit? 

Jeremy Paxman


Dear Jeremy,

I think my daddy will be sad that you are leaving Newsnight, as he is an avid watcher. My mummy says it’s a really boring programme and goes to bed when he puts it on. But I think she’s confused, because last time he was supposed to be watching it, I got out of bed and hid behind the sofa and there were two pretty ladies on the TV, and then a muscly man turned up with his shirt off who I think was a plumber. But I don’t know what happened next because my daddy saw me and sent me back to bed.

Hope that helps,