DAVID Beckham is to buy himself a Bugatti Veyron, a diamond covered horse and the nation of Equitorial Guinea in a bid to ease the pain of England's Euro 2008 failure.
Beckham said the England squad was hurting and confused, to the extent that many could not remember which of their homes they were supposed to go to after the game.
"It was a poor performance. The only explanation I can think of is that maybe we're not paid enough," he said.
Scott Carson, the rookie goalkeeper blamed for England's shock exit, said it was only the thought of his indoor heated swimming pool, sauna and fitness room which kept him going.
He said: "If it wasn't for the Fabergé quad bike, the Maserati jet ski and the Patek Phillipe sandwich toaster, I think I'd have slit my wrists in my sunken bath and its eight whirlpool massage jets."
Stephen Gerrard said the pain of defeat was so intense he had to be carried from the dressing room to his Aston Martin in a sedan chair.
He said: "I don't know if buying a third Jacobean mansion and filling it with solid gold eggs will help, but for God's sake I've got to try."
Rio Ferdinand said he would cheer himself up by paying Paul Gascoigne £1 million to recreate his 1996 wonder goal against Scotland in his back garden 'over and over again'.
Reg Hollis, 53, a lifelong England fan, said he could appreciate that the football stars were hurting but thought they might get over it. "I'm hurting too," he said. "And I'm absolutely fucking skint."