England to play dressed as stormtroopers

ENGLAND’S football players will protest against a poppy ban by taking to the field dressed as Nazi soldiers, it has been announced.

As FIFA upheld the ban on the remembrance poppy because Sepp Blatter couldn’t work out how they would make him any money, the decision was made to show the world what an international friendly might have looked like without England’s wartime intervention.

Besides England wearing 30s German military regalia, each player will come on holding the hand of an eerily-perfect blonde child, to really labour the point.

Manager Fabio Capello said: “It’s an issue the whole squad feels very strongly about, especially John Terry who brought several costumes from home and has been advising all the lads about the correct way to button up a Wermacht Feldbluse.

“In fact, we’ve really struggled to get him to wear the normal training kit at all and he’s even started insisting the team refer to him as ‘Herr Hauptmann’ instead of captain.”

England players had requested that the poppies be added to their kit as part of their official annual ‘Not Acting Like Spoilt Pricks’ event, but FIFA’s refusal means they will have to think of some other way of behaving with an ounce of humility.

FIFA spokesman Tom Logan insisted: “If England want to mark all the fine
work the good people at Umbro or Nike do for football they can proudly
display those companies’ large shiny emblems, but we have to draw the
line at a small stitched flower.” 

Capello has fully supported England’s protest, adding: “If, or rather when Spain thrash us 7-0 this will merely be a satirical comment on what it would have been like if England had had the wartime fighting spirit of, if I’m being honest here, Italy.”



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Rescheduled CERN neutrino test to take place last week

CERN’S controversial neutrino experiment will be/has already been/is being rescheduled for last week, scientists have announced/will announce/are currently announcing.

The experiment, in which neutrino particles were/will be/are discovered to have travelled/will travel/ are travelling faster than the speed of light, will take place/has already taken place/is taking place right now at the Large Hadron Collider.

The initial – or possibly final –  experiment produced, or has yet to produce, or is somehow still producing, results that scientists continue to find, are finding, or have yet to find shocking, even if they don’t know what the results are as the experiment may well not have taken place yet.

Discussing the findings, physicist Dr Carolyn Ryan said: “I thought I’d seen and was yet to see everything, but this quite literally blew, is blowing and will blow my mind.

“When the results first came in, two weeks from now, I was sceptical, but then I realised I’d seen them before, the previous week, and I’m also looking at them again now, for the first time, in utter astonishment”.

“There can be no doubt that this was a great moment for physics. But the moment immediately prior to it was probably even greater, and I look forward to both of them occurring sometime in the near future.”

When asked to explain the findings, Dr Ryan said: “It’s really quite simple.

“The initial experiment timed the arrival of neutrinos and found that they appeared at their destination a fraction of a second before they left their starting point, which means they were already part of the past of the event that was in their future and yet to take place, despite the result of the future event being something that had already occurred, and the past event proving that the future event was somehow already existent.

“Or to put it in layman’s terms, hasn’t Brian Cox got great teeth?”