English women better at football than English men

ENGLISH men are not as good at playing football as English women, it has been confirmed.

As the England women reached the World Cup semi-finals – a feat not achieved by their male counterparts for 25 years – English men must now defer to ladies on anything to do with football.

Fan Martin Bishop said: “I’ve spent my whole life deriding women’s football, but it is now an undeniable fact that they are better at it than we. I suppose I feel cheated.”

He added: “Now, before I tweet an opinion about the latest transfer news for example, I have to run it past my wife and daughter first.

“So far they have been dismissive and rather mean.”

FA Chairman Greg Dyke said: “For English teams, competing in major tournaments is all about trying to wipe out years of ‘hurt’.

“As our best national side right now, the Lionesses must shoulder the burden of the men’s 49 years of hurt, as well as their own 24 years of hurt.

“That’s a grand total of 73 years of hurt which will be instantly eradicated if they actually win this thing.

“No pressure.”

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Germany's a bit depressing, says Queen

THE Queen is not enjoying her visit to Germany, it has emerged.

The monarch, overheard while speaking on her mobile phone, complained that Germany was ‘a bit depressing’ and that Chancellor Angela Merkel was ‘like Nicola Sturgeon, but without the whimsical charm’.

The Queen also said that seeing the Berlin Wall was the one thing she was looking forward to ‘but they’ve knocked the bloody thing down’.

The monarch was overheard saying: “When I looked at the diary and saw ‘go to Germany and make a speech about Europe’ I thought ‘whoop-de-fucking-do’.

“I wasn’t wrong. I’ve just spent all morning at a concentration camp. Jesus wept. I could really do with watching a puppet show right now. But not a German puppet show. I imagine that would be a bit grim.

“I know, I’ll go back to the hotel and stick on the Muppet movie.”

The Queen then stressed she meant the original 1979 Muppet film, ‘where Kermit rides a bike’.