European football takes plastic cover off sofa

THE exit of Manchester from European competition has allowed for the removal of plastic sofa covers and the appearance of the good cutlery.

The remaining clubs in the Europa League will also be able to unlock their drinks cabinets and put out their nice things without fear of them being stolen.

A spokesman for Athletic Bilbao said: “A couple of years ago we noticed this large, yellowy-brown stain on the corner unit. Eventually we had to just throw the bloody thing out. Two grand it was. Fuck that.

“So we bought a new one but then we thought ‘we’re not having a repeat of The Stain’ so we got one of those plastic covers. It works really well, but when you spend that kind of money on furniture you want to be able to show it off.

“Now they’ve finally gone it’s great that we can have all our nice things out without worrying about them being covered in piss and puke.”

Meanwhile, restaurants across the continent face the challenge of shifting the mountain of chips and gravy that had been set aside for travelling Mancunians.

The eateries must dispose of the potato-related foodstuff safely as it is classified as toxic waste under EU laws and be carefully dismantled by specially trained staff in Hazmat suits.
Ivan Shevchenko, from Kharkiv, said: “Animal rights groups protest if you try and feed it to cattle, not least because it makes the beef taste very weird.

“My regulars won’t touch the stuff and they happily eat compost heaps doused in vodka.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mother's unconditional love means you don't need to get her anything good

YOUR mother’s love for you is unbreakable and so you do not have to spend a lot this Sunday, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies has advised Mothering Sunday gift-buyers that maternal love is different from other types of love in that you do not need to make any effort whatsoever.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The emotional bond between mother and offspring is the strongest thing on earth, a million times more durable than the strongest steel. You are part of her, she is part of you. The mother will always cherish and protect her child above all things.

“Exploit this.

“Just get her a generic newsagent-style card with a flower or something on it and the same chocolates you always get her. Probably Milk Tray or Terry’s All Gold, something in the £5 to £10 price range.

“Besides being pointless, if you go overboard it could be seen as a bit, well, Oedipal. Like you fancy her or something.”

He added:”Same goes for your mum’s birthday.”

Mother Nikki Hollis said: “My ideal Mothering Sunday present would be to get my shattered dreams back.

“But I’ll make do with a cheap, chocolate selection box with a heavy emphasis on soft centres.”