Everything fine at Arsenal now

EVERYTHING is wonderful at Arsenal and nothing whatsoever needs to change, fans have confirmed.

Arsenal’s FA Cup victory at the weekend confirmed the widespread belief that everything at the club is going in the right direction and that Arsene Wenger is definitely the correct choice as manager.

Gunners fan Wayne Hayes said: “The past twelve months have been great, and at absolutely no point was I preparing to march on the training ground with a pitchfork.

“We’ve won a trophy, which makes us better than Spurs, and without the Champions League to distract us, we’re a sure bet for the title next year.”

Season-ticket holder Susan Traherne said: “When I hired a plane to fly over the Emirates trailing a banner that said ‘Arsene out’, I may have inadvertently given the impression that I wanted him to leave.

“But it was actually supposed to say ‘Arsene outstanding’.”

Hayes added that he and his fellow Gooners would be one hundred percent behind their club until the next time an Arsenal player gave away a throw-in, when they would resume their campaign of furious booing.

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Worker gets massive bollocking while seated on a bean bag

A MANAGER has bollocked a team member in the laid-back surroundings of their office’s chill-out area.

The relaxation zone of JBJ Marketing, which boasts table tennis, a Scalextric set and comfy bean bags, is ideal for unwinding or threatening an under-performing colleague with the sack.

Bollocked worker Tom Logan said: “I know I’ve been slack lately, I’m going through a break-up which mean I have to get pissed a lot on week nights, and my boss Nikki asked me to step over to the chill-out zone.

“I said ‘We’re not going to chill out there, are we?’, and she slowly shook her head.

“Basically she reeled off a long list of my fuck ups and asked me to consider whether I belong here in the long-term, or even in the very short-term.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever gotten bollocked on a bean bag between an oversized chess board and a Flumps dispenser, but it does not feel good.

“It’s kind of like someone handing you your balls in a jar with a handwritten label on it that says ‘Your Balls’.”