Ferguson and Mancini to hold derby on the astral plane

NEXT week’s Manchester derby has been cancelled in favour of a titanic psychic battle between the two managers.

Sir Alex Ferguson and Roberto Mancini began engaging in mind games just after Christmas, but their struggle moved to a new realm of being when the United manager destroyed Mario Ballotelli’s mental balance with a bolt of psychic energy during the Arsenal match.

Mancini retaliated by causing Ashley Young to suffer persistent flashbacks to being an SAS officer in training, imagining the penalty box was a room full of hostages he had to dive-and-roll into.

The sky above Manchester has turned blood-red as the two managers lock minds. Mancini is a fully-qualified witch in the Italian ‘Stregheria’ tradition, while Ferguson has attained the ninth rank of druids and practices human sacrifice.

Reports from dogs speaking in the tongues of men suggest that Ferguson is attempting to raise the spirit of Duncan Edwards to play in midfield.

Meanwhile Mancini, according to words written in fire on the Manchester Ship Canal, hopes to use his opponent’s own blood pressure against him and explode Ferguson’s head like in the film Scanners.

On the physical plane the two managers have engaged in a war of nerves with graciousness and politeness as their weapons.

Mancini struck the first blow when he claimed that Manchester United had already won the title and that they would be welcomed to the pitch with a guard of honour.

Ferguson hit back by saying that City were the rightful winners of the Premier League and that his team would be lying on the grass to make a living carpet for them to walk on and, if they wish, to use as urinals.  


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Catholic schools launch 'eurgh, benders' petition

PUPILS at Catholic schools are being encouraged to sign a petition against being a total bumpilot.

The Vatican is hoping to use the average teenager’s natural fear of being called gaymocentric to increase signatures on their petition opposing a law which will allow adults to be happy.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols said: “Teachers will tell pupils that any pen that hasn’t signed the gay marriage petition is a gay pen. And we all know who uses gay pens, don’t we?

“After that, it’s a matter of personal conscience how the teachers proceed, but my own view is that they should ask the pupil if they’re currently using their dirty homo pen to write a love poem to Alan Carr’s testicles.

“This method will only work on male pupils, but the girls will just know their place and do as they’re told.”

Any pupil refusing to sign will be ignored by staff, on the grounds that they cannot understand them because they do not speak ‘Poovish’.

The pupils will also be excluded from after-school activities until they hand in their Gay Card.

Staff at Catholic junior schools will take a more sensitive approach by telling the children that bad people want to kill their mummy and replace her with a big hairy man who hates the Baby Jesus.

Nichols added: “This is a very serious issue – shut up, it is – and I think we should be applauded for not getting all Inquisition-y about it. Yet.”