NEXT week’s Manchester derby has been cancelled in favour of a titanic psychic battle between the two managers.
Sir Alex Ferguson and Roberto Mancini began engaging in mind games just after Christmas, but their struggle moved to a new realm of being when the United manager destroyed Mario Ballotelli’s mental balance with a bolt of psychic energy during the Arsenal match.
Mancini retaliated by causing Ashley Young to suffer persistent flashbacks to being an SAS officer in training, imagining the penalty box was a room full of hostages he had to dive-and-roll into.
The sky above Manchester has turned blood-red as the two managers lock minds. Mancini is a fully-qualified witch in the Italian ‘Stregheria’ tradition, while Ferguson has attained the ninth rank of druids and practices human sacrifice.
Reports from dogs speaking in the tongues of men suggest that Ferguson is attempting to raise the spirit of Duncan Edwards to play in midfield.
Meanwhile Mancini, according to words written in fire on the Manchester Ship Canal, hopes to use his opponent’s own blood pressure against him and explode Ferguson’s head like in the film Scanners.
On the physical plane the two managers have engaged in a war of nerves with graciousness and politeness as their weapons.
Mancini struck the first blow when he claimed that Manchester United had already won the title and that they would be welcomed to the pitch with a guard of honour.
Ferguson hit back by saying that City were the rightful winners of the Premier League and that his team would be lying on the grass to make a living carpet for them to walk on and, if they wish, to use as urinals.