One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

A double-duchess bee sting manoevre may sound like the kind of thing you only hear as part of civil partnership vows but in fact this is how our royals choose to spend our money these days.

Sacrificial bees, oily cougars from Shropshire and bundles of soiled towels are all part of Kate’s life now she’s married royalty.

The Duchess of Cambridge has been indulging in bee venom face plumping treatment since before her wedding, after a recommendation from the Duchess of Cornwall. To my mind, such face lubing grope fests are only okay if your name has the words Kardashian or Weston in it. Anyone else is basically a depraved creep who puts their own face plumpness before our needs.

When I imagine what goes on at Clarence House it makes me sick. A team of swarthy assistants dim the lights, crank up the Orinoco Flow and a woman wearing Karen Millen jodhpurs lathers up Kate’s chin with her knuckles. Someone sneezes and the next minute she’s elbow deep in Camilla’s greased cleavage. It’s like something out a JLS video.

A real princess is beautiful on the inside. That is the moral of The Princess and the Pea and of Princess Diana, famous for her many colonic irrigations. I really thought that if I could have an inside as beautiful as Lady Di’s then I would be a queen one day too. Like her, I was wrong. I spent £80 on being invaded by a busty Ukranian and what must have been over ten miles of rubber tubing. All I came away with was a latex allergy and a ziplock bag containg five crayons, a conker and a 41mm tungsten alloy dart bearing the unmistakable initials of Eric Bristow, which, mercifully, I was later able to sell on E Bay for £35 and reimburse some of the wasted cash.

It’s about time Kate stopped prancing around thinking she was better than me. Sure, she has lovely brown legs and X Factor hair but no number of angry bees are going to change her silly mouth, which looks like streaky bacon stretched around a Rubik’s Cube.

If Kate really wants to serve the British people, she should spend the money we give her on bettering her brain. Perhaps if she spent less time in Bacchinalian touch up sessions with Camilla, she could learn some valuable new skills like coin tricks or handstands. Marks my words, Kate, this is the only way you’re ever going to truly impress the Obamas.


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Everyone is being thoroughly horrid to me, just because I happen to have sent a couple of friendly emails. Perhaps I got in with the wrong crowd, but I’m just a people pleaser at heart. How can I make the mean people stop and maybe erase a few files too?
Jeremy Hunt,


Dear Jeremy,
I’m sorry to hear you’re being bullied, and it’s not your fault if you’ve made some dodgy alliances. I did the same once, when I nearly became best friends with a nice man I met at the park. All he wanted to do was invite me in for cakes and to have a look at his new Labrador puppies, which was awfully kind of him, seeing as we’d only just met. But he didn’t like it when I ran home to get my new Barbie to bring along because when me and mummy got back there with the silly hat men in the cars with flashing lights, the nice man had gone. He probably had to go home for tea or something.
Hope that helps!