Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not take a blurry black and white photo of your mandingo using Instagram and get the whole office to coo over it by telling them it’s an ultrasound of your firstborn kid?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your wedding photos look really wacky and fun. So, why did you feel the need to fill what should be the happiest day of your life with gimmicks, do you think?
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your house becomes entirely self-powered this week as you play the Gary Barlow version of ‘Here Comes The Sun’ and attach a dynamo to George Harrison’s spinning corpse
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With the threat of redundancy hanging over the whole office, your decision to play the race card would have been a better tactic if you weren’t white, a temp and on your last disciplinary warning.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you celebrate the 30th anniversary of the ZX Spectrum by waiting for twenty minutes sat in front of your PS3 before holding up the words “R Tape loading error” on a bit of paper before starting all over again.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
“What have you done today to make you feel proud?” asked M People and your answer has always been “I’ve never been a member of M People”.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your training regime for being loud enough to be a contestant on ‘The Voice’ starts in earnest this week as you practice trying to shout a fire door shut.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Kids – they grow up so quickly don’t they? The chemical plant says the water’s safe but I’m not sure the youngest should be shaving before nursery.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Remember that part in ‘The Last Detail’ when Jack Nicholson takes Randy Quaid to the brothel? No, you don’t do you? But if I mentioned Twilight you wouldn’t shut up, would you? Jesus.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your doctor recommends regular exercise, a low-fat diet and quitting smoking as a way of bringing down your high cholesterol count but we both know he may as well have asked you to catch a unicorn using a rope made of Yeti pubes.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Bruno Mars. Not just a singer but the answer given by a certain boxer when you ask for his name and address.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh, another photo of Willy Wonka with a vaguely sarcastic message on it? I can’t wait to see that.