Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not take a blurry black and white photo of your mandingo using Instagram and get the whole office to coo over it by telling them it’s an ultrasound of your firstborn kid?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your wedding photos look really wacky and fun. So, why did you feel the need to fill what should be the happiest day of your life with gimmicks, do you think?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your house becomes entirely self-powered this week as you play the Gary Barlow version of ‘Here Comes The Sun’ and attach a dynamo to George Harrison’s spinning corpse

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
With the threat of redundancy hanging over the whole office, your decision to play the race card would have been a better tactic if you weren’t white, a temp and on your last disciplinary warning.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week you celebrate the 30th anniversary of the ZX Spectrum by waiting for twenty minutes sat in front of your PS3 before holding up the words “R Tape loading error” on a bit of paper before starting all over again.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
“What have you done today to make you feel proud?” asked M People and your answer has always been “I’ve never been a member of M People”.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your training regime for being loud enough to be a contestant on ‘The Voice’ starts in earnest this week as you practice trying to shout a fire door shut.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Kids – they grow up so quickly don’t they? The chemical plant says the water’s safe but I’m not sure the youngest should be shaving before nursery.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Remember that part in ‘The Last Detail’ when Jack Nicholson takes Randy Quaid to the brothel? No, you don’t do you? But if I mentioned Twilight you wouldn’t shut up, would you? Jesus.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your doctor recommends regular exercise, a low-fat diet and quitting smoking as a way of bringing down your high cholesterol count but we both know he may as well have asked you to catch a unicorn using a rope made of Yeti pubes.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Bruno Mars. Not just a singer but the answer given by a certain boxer when you ask for his name and address.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Oh, another photo of Willy Wonka with a vaguely sarcastic message on it? I can’t wait to see that.



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Recession not stopping Britain from stuffing its fat face

RECESSION, austerity and reduced spending power have not stopped Britain from ramming calories into the front of its head, scientists have confirmed.

New research has found that Britain is now so thunderously huge that treating diabetes will soon cost £17bn a year that we absolutely do not have.

But, with the economy entering a double dip recession, fat, squeezed consumers say they are having to make increasing sacrifices so they can buy Rolos and cheese and Pringles and beefburgers and cheese and Fanta and Rolos and cheese.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “I could lose my house, which would be really bad because that’s where I keep my fridge.”

Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “As well as being bad for you, food also has a very slim profit margin, so instead of turning yourself into a heaving, insulin-deficient mess, buy something from Currys with an outrageous mark-up.

“The NHS isn’t going to hospitalise you because you think buying a 3D television is a really good idea. They should, but they won’t.”

Logan added: “I know that if I stopped eating so much I would have more money and I’d be healthier so the NHS would cost less and taxes would be lower and I’d have more money.

“But I’ve bought all this cheese.”