Even Chelsea fans a bit disappointed

CHELSEA fans last night admitted they had been looking forward to a Barcelona-Real Madrid Champions League final.

The west London club won an epic battle at the Nou Camp as it emerged that Fernando Torres had not been offloaded to some Japanese team in the middle of November.

The Spaniard came off the bench to score the crucial goal after Chelsea were reduced to 10 men when John Terry put his flowing, imaginative knee into the middle of someone’s back.

But the two-leg victory means that instead of crowning Lionel Messi’s remarkable year at Barcelona, European football’s end of season showcase will once again be a ringing endorsement of Russian oligarchy.

Owner Roman Abramovich said he was proud that his team was now established firmly as the Anti-Barcelona, adding that he was particularly delighted that none of the current squad would have to form the foundations of his latest house.

Chelsea fan Roy Hobbs said: “I suppose it’s quite good. I’ll probably watch the final if we get Real. Not so keen on Chelsea-Bayern Munich. I’ve a feeling that could be a bit workman-like.”

Bill McKay, added: “I’m a Chelsea fan because I like talking about fights I’ve never actually had. But at the same time I do quite like football, so I’m feeling conflicted.

“Though not as conflicted as when this fucking Gooner came at me with a sword.”


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How will latest Murdoch revelations affect Glee? asks Britain

BRITAIN last night demanded to know what impact the latest developments in the News Corp scandal will have on Glee.

As culture secretary Jeremy Hunt faced calls for his resignation amid allegations he gave the Murdochs vital insider information in support of their BSkyB takeover bid, viewers asked whether Glee will be moving back to Channel Four or what.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “Will I have to rejig the thingy on my whatsit? It’s all fiddly and I get confused. And if I press the ‘series link’ doo-da when it’s on Sky will I still be able to watch it when Sky goes to prison?”

But Jane Thompson, from Peterborough, added: “This is not about some silly television programme. It’s about Friday Night Lights. Will they show season two when Harriet Harman takes over Sky Atlantic?”

But as Britain fretted over the fate of US TV shows with high production values, prime minister David Cameron was last night still pretending that he will not have to resign.

Julian Cook, professor of incredibly predictable endings at Roehampton University, said: “Last week a man called Chuck Colson died. In the book All the President’s Men, he was one of the President’s Men. Jeremy Hunt is also one of the President’s Men. D’you see?

“Unless of course Jeremy Hunt decided all by himself that the government should do something absolutely illegal to help Rupert Murdoch. And if that is indeed the case then feel free to choose which hat you would like me to eat.

“And be bold.”

A Downing Street spokesman said: “If we send Jeremy Hunt to prison can we talk about something else?”