Football Clubs Swap Rubbish Bins

ENGLAND'S football managers spent yesterday rifling through each other's bin bags in the hope of finding something that was not covered in rancid milk and tea leaves.

As the transfer window closed, the managers grabbed what they could, ran it under a tap and presented it to their local media.

Many of the rubbish swaps were completed just before the 5pm deadline as the coaches finally accepted they were not going to find a Brazilian superstar who fancied spending February in their particularly hellish corner of Northern England.

Sheffield United boss Kevin Blackwell admitted almost giving up hope of finding anything in Derby's bins when he heard a whimpering sound coming from a pile of moist cardboard.

He said: "I lifted up one corner with a stick and, lo and behold, there was a Jordan Stewart.

"I gave it a quick sniff and found that it was relatively fresh. I'm going to hose it down, dry it with an old towel and then spray it with Febreze. If it doesn't work I'll just bung on Gumtree."

Hull City boss Phil Brown added: "I found half a roast chicken, an old book and something called an 'Ibrahima Sonko'. I wonder what it does?"

He added: "Paul Hart was dead jealous 'cos all he could find was some manky defender from Watford covered in four day-old vegetable soup."

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Brown Launches Bid For Terrorist Vote

GORDON Brown is pinning Labour's re-election hopes on securing the support of as many UK-based terrorists as possible, it emerged last night.

As it was revealed that Mr Brown supported the release of Lockerbie bomber Abdelbasset Ali al-Megrahi, Labour's internal polling shows the party has taken a 43-point lead over the Tories among terrorists, would-be terrorists and furious men with beards.

The polling results show that Mr Brown is favoured by terrorists on a range of key issues including education, the environment, support for small and medium sized enterprises and letting them out of jail after eight years if they blow something up.

However Mr Brown still trails David Cameron on the economy with most terrorists backing the Tory leader's commitment to cuts in public spending.

Mohammed X, a would-be terrorist from the Midlands, said: "I am worried about future tax rises, particularly as I am planning to blow stuff up which will cost millions of pounds to rebuild.

"I also believe that if cuts are going to be made it should not be to front line services but to politically-correct nonsense like the Special Branch and MI5."

He added: "But when it comes right down to it, Mr Brown's willingness to set me free means I am now leaning towards voting for the Labour chap."

Meanwhile, an exchange of letters between justice secretary Jack Straw and Kenny MacAskill, his Scottish counterpart, reveals the tensions between the two governments over exactly how to make a total and complete arse of al-Megrahi's release.

In early July Mr MacAksill wrote to Mr Straw to ask if the bomber was included in the Prisoner Transfer Agreement with Libya, adding: "And by the way, I've lost my wallet and I need to get back to Dunfermline for my cousin's birthday so is there any chance you could lend me five pounds for the bus? I'll send you a cheque as soon as I get home. I'm totally not some kind of alcy, if that's what you're thinking."

The following day Mr Straw replied: "No, no, absolutely not. Get away from me. You reek of cheap cider."