Glazers To Make Rio Ferdinand Dance For Chinese Gangsters

THE owners of Manchester United are to pay down their debts by making Rio Ferdinand do a fan dance for some Chinese opium lords.

In a bid to reduce their £1bn borrowings the Glazer family is to organise a series of £100,000 a head banquets in the south of France where the club’s household names will entertain some of Beijng’s most powerful fiends and their criminal henchmen.

Sources insist the Glazers want to make full use of their existing assets and will force Ryan Giggs and Owen Hargreaves to go around the table giving head massages and shoulder rubs, while veteran midfielder Paul Scholes will finish his career as a large plate of sausages.

It is understood Ferdinand’s performance will be the highlight of the evening and the central defender and England international is expected to dance in the middle of the table for up to three hours at a time.

A source said: “We’re thinking either Turkish style – silky bra and pants with a veil and some little cymbals on his fingers – or have him in the buff with just of couple of paper fans to cover his unmentionables, And a blonde wig obviously.

“If it works then we can take it on tour. Moscow, South America, Thailand – perhaps even a private show for Kim Jong Il. Rio ‘s up for it. He says he likes to try new things.”

The source added: “At the end of his performance he can then relax with the guests, though at that point he would be under no obligation to do anything he doesn’t want to.

“But I’m told that if you’re sufficiently deferential they can be very gentlemanly.”


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Oil Well Capped Before Everyone Realises It's Their Fault

THE ruptured oil pipe in the Gulf of Mexico has been capped just minutes before everyone realised it had all been their fault.

As the White House stepped up its attack on BP, experts stressed the real blame obviously lies with anyone who drives a motor car, uses medicine or wears tights.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Oil companies aren’t pumping this stuff just so they can have it sitting around in buckets under their stairs.

“They pump it because you want it. And what’s more, you don’t particularly want to pay for it, thereby ensuring it gets pumped in a dangerous and haphazard way – much like a Friday night skank on a playground swing.

“So whenever you feel tempted to have a go at BP, what you should do instead is either sell your car and any objects you own which contain plastic, or shut your stupid fucking face.”

Professor Brubaker explained that oil is used in some form by virtually every human being on the planet and that even George Monbiot is currently writing one of his absurdly childish articles on a laptop computer that could not possibly exist without it.

He added: “For instance, the stockings I’m wearing today are made of synthetic polymers, an essential ingredient of which is oil very similar to the kind that is currently choking guillemots just off the coast of Louisiana.

“I should point out however that my suspender belt is pure silk. And yes, it feels fantastic against my thighs.”