Liverpool Celebrations Visible From Space

CELEBRATIONS marking the departure of Rafael Benitez have been
spotted by astronauts on board the International Space Station.

Crew members said the Liverpool street parties appeared as a spot of brightly-coloured euphoria as the city took on the appearance of a giant smiley face.

Fan Charlie Reeves said: “The birth of my daughter, my wedding, committing my first ever burglary are all now reduced to ‘mere occurrences’.

“And all it took was £3m. Those three little millions will spread so much happiness that Children in Need will seem like a Swedish film about a kitten that dies in a funeral parlour.”

Benitez’s reign as Liverpool manager ended as it began, with the club languishing in the league and the Spaniard riding around on a camel telling everybody he was the King of Narnia.

His personality quirks, such as insisting the groundsman refer to him as ‘Mr Cheeks’ and spending every Thursday leaping into the air to try and grab the sun, had been tolerated by the board as they realised no real football manager would want to live in Liverpool.

The search is now on for Benitez’s replacement, but club director Christian Purslow admitted it would be difficult to find somebody with the same determination, ambition and collection of Action Man figures dressed up as members of Genesis.

Fan Wayne Hayes said he planned to celebrate all day, adding: “Don’t tell anyone I’ve been sprinting down Church Street with my mate on my shoulders, will you?

“I’ll be getting drunk for the foreseeable future and I’m going to need all the incapacity benefit I can get my thieving little hands on.”


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Sensitive men launch pathetic bid to feign interest in football

SENSITIVE men across England have embarked on a pathetic attempt to pretend to care about football.

As the World Cup begins there are high levels of concern among nice, intelligent non-football fans that to admit ambivalence would be like standing on a step ladder in the middle of the high street and screaming ‘Look at my vagina’.

English teacher Tom Logan said: “To me, football is nothing more than a massive PE lesson with the occasional violent assault thrown in.

“But if anyone asks, I’ll mutter something about how ‘I’ve always liked to watch the big games’ and that Leo Walnut should probably have been in the main team.

“This is mildly humiliating, but less so than being mauled by an entire pub.”

Stephen Malley, a father-of-two who was enthralled by the Leonardo sketches at the British Musuem, is indifferent to all sports and often ironically refers to football as simply ‘ball’.

He said: “In anticipation of the impending ball event, I have prepared the stock line ‘I’m really looking forward to the World Cup, I hope Liverpool win’. I’m confident this will ‘do the business’.”

He added: “‘I presume Kevin Keegan is still the best one?”

Meanwhile, Woody Allen fan Nathan Muir is concerned he may have overcompensated by having the St George’s Cross tattooed permanently on his face.

He said: “I thought it would be the best way to avoid hassle, but now I’m not so sure. I should probably get that Nick Hornby novel about the record shop that’s owned by a Tottenham supporter. I don’t suppose you know what a ‘corner’ is?”

He added: “When I go out I’ll probably just stay by the bar, and start cheering a fraction of a second after everyone else, when I’m sure it’s safe to do so.

“I’ll then shout something like ‘Sport is brilliant! As is the Queen!’. It’ll be fine.”