NHS Hospitals 'Better Than Being Homeless', Claims Lunatic

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain’s most demented vagrant.

Christopher Dearlove said that NHS wards had the edge over a disused carpet factory teeming with rats and that hospital food is better than scraping something brown and sticky off the side of a wheelie bin.

Mr Dearlove, who has admitted himself fraudulently to six state run hospitals, was yesterday served with an antisocial behaviour order and told to stay well away from the NHS if he knew what was good for him.

Experts now predict that millions of people across Britain will apply for their own healthcare ‘asbo’ wristband, amid fears they could be knocked unconscious and treated by the NHS by mistake.

Claiming to be a fully qualified ‘Jesus Astronaut’ with solid gold telescopic legs and a bionic chin, Mr Dearlove added: “I know it must be really difficult for people to get their heads round, but I think what I enjoy most is the sense of danger.

“The thought that every time I am admitted there is a less than 20% chance I will come out of it alive. I suppose I’m a bit like one of those 1950s test pilots, but with dodgy bed linen and a pudding that looks like an aborted calf.”

But Julian Cook, a homeless man from north London, said: “The thought of spending the night in an NHS hospital makes me want to throw up the rather tangy, half-eaten tortilla wrap I had for breakfast.

“In my experience the NHS makes being homeless seem like a month at the Savoy. And that’s based on nothing more than a couple of minor outpatient treatments and the fact that I used to be head of thoracic surgery at Doncaster Royal Infirmary.”

He added: “By the way, this is the bathtub I’ve been sleeping in for the last six years. As you can see it is completely free from both MRSA and clostridium difficile.

“And I also use it as a toilet.”

 

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Office Workers Finally Switch To Crack

AN IMMUNITY to caffeine has led to a growing number of office workers
switching to crack, according to new research.

Experts said an increasing number of British workers are using the high strength drug in a bid to manipulate time and fill themselves with the pure euphoria they need to get through a marketing seminar without bursting into tears.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The effects of caffeine do now seem to be overstated but even a little bit of crack can see an average staff member produce 70 pages of work an hour, even if most of it is barely-comprehensible obscenity.”

Increased crack consumption has also helped productivity as more workers forego food-based lunch breaks to stay at their desk and pound their keyboards in a spittle-flecked fury.

One coffee vendor outside Bank station in London has started selling
crack-laced hot drinks to morning commuters hurtling toward their
ten-hour living nightmare.

Charlie Reeves, owner of Crackaccinos,
said: “One of my customers works on the 43rd floor of the Natwest Tower
and since I’ve changed to crack drinks he’s stopped taking the lift.”

Accountant Tom Logan said: “Cleaning the cafetiere, buying milk, checking the coffee’s fair trade – wasteoftimewasteoftimewasteoftime.

“Pipe, lighter, rock and I’m ready to whoooOOOHHHHH YEAAAHHH FUCK LET’S GO! LET’S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!

He added: “DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! AHA HA HA HA HA HA. CRACK FUCKING RULES!

Meanwhile, Professor Brubaker has advised companies to look out for the key signs of employee crack-breaks, including plummeting weight, severe depression, fight clubs and a firmly-held conviction that a swarm of crayfish are living under their eyelids.