God hates cricket

RECENT extreme weather proves that the Almighty sees cricket as a abomination, it has been claimed.

England has been permanently awash since the season started, and several grounds have been infested with beetles bearing the face of Richie Benaud, leading cricket fundamentalists to believe that the end of cricketing days is upon us.

Cricket theologist Roy Hobbs said “The portents foretold in Wisden have been occurring across the country, as Headingley is now an enormous swirling vortex of water with a kraken patrolling its depths and Old Trafford is being haunted by a legion of howling daemons.

“It is in Manchester though, so, y’know.”

The stationary pastime has been condemned as an abomination against the Lord for decades, with sporting preachers warning that He did not breathe creation into an entire universe just so people could watch a patch of grass for five days in a row.

The last month of rain is now being seen as God’s final attempt to scour cricket from the face of England after His previous efforts, including the 2006-2007 Ashes series in Australia, proved unsuccessful.

Theologists believe that once cricket has been destroyed the grounds will remain forbidden areas, in case somebody picks up a bit of wood and ponders whether standing around with it for eight hours might make an interesting hobby.

Hobbs said: “A bearded man in a robe was recently seen near The Oval rounding up two of every kind of bowler and batsmen, which we can only take as a bad sign.

“He made it absolutely clear he didn’t need any English ones, though. He was almost pedantically specific about that.”



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Easily-amused face communication crisis

THE collapse of Clinton Cards could leave the UK’s easily-amused community unable to express its banal thoughts, it has been claimed.


The easily-amused, also known as imbeciles, had been able to communicate greetings, condolences, congratulations and other vital sentiments via Clinton Cards products featuring cloying or irritating images.

But as the embattled chain enters administration, it is feared that they could be plunged into social isolation.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “Without oversized, elephant-themed Valentine’s day cards, it could prove impossible for imbeciles to begin or sustain romantic relationships.

“This could also have a knock-on effect for the manufacturers of similarly pointless tat such as heart-shaped helium balloons and teddy bears saying ‘I WUV WOO!’”

Wayne Hayes, a plumber with a low amusement threshold, said: “My dad went into hospital this week and I’ve bought a ‘get well soon’ card showing a randy old git chasing a nurse while waving a crutch.

“I rely on Clinton Cards in these times of crisis when you don’t want to risk leaving anything unsaid.”

Easy-amused housewife Emma Bradford said: “I’ve just got a Clinton card featuring a badly drawn cartoon cat saying ‘DON’T have a great birthday… Here’s hoping it’s PURR-FECT!’ I keep looking at it and cracking up, to me it is perfect.

“Other shops’ cards are mostly pictures of 50-style women saying catty things about husbands and wine. I don’t get those, they scare me.”

The failure of Clinton Cards has partly been blamed on the success of e-cards, which enable the user to wish their mum a happy birthday with an animated cartoon cock.