Hoddle to be reincarnated as England manager

GLENN Hoddle is planning to end his own life, ride the wheel of karma and return to this world as the manager of the England football team.

Hoddle believes the virtuous way he has spent his time on this earth means he will get his pick of next lives and ‘won’t return as a lower species like a dog, an invertebrate, or a woman’.

Hoddle, who was actually quite good at managing England, will set himself on fire in the centre circle of Wembley during the FA Cup semi-final half-time show.

He said: “Everyone should enjoy the show because they’re not seeing a human being die in agony but an immortal soul returning to the ‘bardo’ or ‘intermediate state’.

“I may come back as a Vietnamese boy with an ethereal glow and a uncanny gift for orchestrating set-pieces, or perhaps I’ll be a pillar of blue fire pacing the dugout and shouting at Gerrard to spread it wide.

“Once I have taken England to the final of a major international I will achieve nirvana and transcend the wheel of life. Obviously even the Buddha himself can’t expect me to win the thing, not with that team.”

Experts said the the cycle of England managers is itself an object lesson in Buddhism, as the FA fail to learn from their past managerial appointments and eternally repeat their mistakes and their suffering.

Hoddle’s bid has been challenged by the late Brian Clough, who plans to manage the team from the third circle of hell, reserved for gluttons.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Cameron inundated with offers for ten second meetings

DAVID Cameron’s aides have spent the day fielding thousands of offers to buy ten seconds alone with him.

With the going price for an audience with the Prime Ministerbot calculated at approximately £70 per second, people have been raiding their savings and pondering what words they will use during each expensive moment.

Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “I had £500 set aside for a holiday but I reckon I’d rather spend it on the seven seconds needed to call him a shiny-faced suit full of piss.

“If I finish a couple of seconds early I can always just flick him the Vs until my time runs out.”

The garden of Number 10 will now be fitted with a PM podium in front of a moving walkway, which will be set at variable speeds depending on people’s appointment length to ensure the maximum number of donors get to have their allotted time hurling insults through the plexiglass screen.

One Tory aide said: “It’s going to be like an extremely abusive but extremely lucrative version of the conveyor belt on The Generation Game.

“Imagine if the cuddly toy kept calling Brucie a mealy-mouthed sack of twat and you get the idea.”

To ensure transparency in paying for access to Tory politicians, the party have produced a price guide, with £50,000 guaranteeing a donor the opportunity to give Michael Gove a dead leg.