THE microbes who live at the bottom of the Mariana Trench have finally been able to tell James Cameron that Avatar was appalling.
The tiny organisms, also caught up in the mass psychosis that made the sci-fi, blue cat, eco-parable the biggest film ever, spent 45 minutes haranguing the director in his metal tube.
Cameron said: “I was really looking forward to this, but it was actually very unpleasant.
“When I reached the bottom of Challenger Deep I turned on my sensors and the first thing I heard was this voice asking ‘are you James Cameron?’.
“I said ‘yes, I am’ and the voice explained who it was and then launched into this incredibly hurtful diatribe about Avatar. Then all the others joined in.
“It was like the microbes had staged an intervention for someone who’s very bad at making films.”
Cameron said the microscopic life-forms had obviously been rehearsing ‘their little speeches’ and made frequent use of the words ‘condescending’, ‘tedious’ and ‘horseshit’.
He added: “I feel shell-shocked really. I had no idea people, or microbes, felt this way. But they did say they liked True Lies, which surprised me because I thought they would like The Abyss.
“But they absolutely did not.”
The microbes also warned Cameron that if he even thinks about making a film called ‘Mariana” or ‘The Trench’ they would evolve legs and feet and then kick him in the testicles.