International conspiracy against Uruguay exposed

A DECADES-LONG conspiracy to discredit Uruguay and their star player Luis Suarez has been revealed.

The multi-billion operation, involving body doubles, faked footage and carried out with the full cooperation of media organisations across the globe, was co-ordinated by MI6, the CIA, and Mossad under the direct control of David Cameron and Barack Obama.

Uruguayan President Jose Mujica said: “1994, and George Lucas begins work on Star Wars prequel The Phantom Menace.

“Why? Not because anyone wanted to see it, but in order to develop the CGI techniques that, 20 years later, would be used to fool the world into thinking they had seen Luis Suarez actually biting a man on a football pitch.

“The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were a smokescreen, funnelling billions into the ongoing program to discredit our country’s hero and stop Uruguay replacing the dollar with cattle as the reserve currency.”

Intelligence operative Tom Booker said: “The entire Italy-Uruguay game was filmed on greenscreen and digitally composited live. Mario Ballotelli is just Andy Serkis doing motion capture again.

“Every photo of Suarez ever taken has been Photoshopped to make his teeth look bigger and hungrier to subliminally prepare the world for our masterstroke.

“You’d think we had better things to do, but we didn’t.”

Stephen Malley of Merseyside said: “Oh come on. It’s absolutely ridiculous to suggest that there’s a massive international conspiracy to stop the Uruguayan side reaching their rightful place at the top.

“It’s clearly all aimed at Liverpool.”

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Longest acronym covers all possible reactions

A NEW sixteen-thousand character acronym encapsulates all conceivable reactions to anything seen on the internet.

Beginning FFFLI and ending RGMY, its creators believe the acronym could save thousands of working hours currently lost responding to animal pictures or making sarcastic comments about Game of Thrones.

Wales-based acronym developers FYI formerly built military acronyms for NATO, but moved into the civilian market after technical staff stumbled across a way of merging LOL with FUBAR.

An FYI spokesman said: “This is the biggest advance in communication since people stopped using the keyboard wink-symbol as some sort of grammar thing.”