Ireland beat England at having afternoon tea

IRELAND completed a grand slam over England yesterday after beating them 3-0 at having a lovely afternoon tea.

An insult to our brave, good-looking pilots

The Irish outplayed a highly fancied England side in every area of the tearoom, from quiet stirring to applying just the right amount of butter to a scone.

National tea coach Bill McKay admitted his job was on the line and said it was some of the worst jam appreciation and drinking a cup of tea effeminately that he had ever seen from an England side.

Roy Hobbs, England’s leading pourer for the last three seasons, said: “I’ve had this niggling wrist injury which has been forcing me to stop half way through each cup.

“It doesn’t affect the temperature of the tea but it can create an awkward silence or force someone to miss-time their milk approach.

“Thank God we’re all still in one piece.”

Martin Bishop, England’s first person to say how nice the Battenburg is, added: “The pouring interruption threw me off and for the first time in my international career one of my team mates had to ask me how good the Battenburg was.

“It was amateur night out there this afternoon.”

Irish tea coach, Declan O’Flaherty, said: “Two months ago, if I had shown my team a cucumber three of them would have fainted and I would have been nailed to the floor by a priest.

“Now we’re better than England at eating one of them in a sandwich.”

The Irish have now sets their sights on defeating England at offering poor value for money and complaining about multiculturalism without really knowing what it is.