Theatre groups to remind Britain why they are the first things to be cut

THEATRE groups across Britain will unite this weekend to remind taxpayers exactly why they are being cut.

Amateurs and professionals who fail to see how embarrassing the whole thing is will perform a series of specially written short plays that they think contain a powerful message.

Wayne Hayes, creative director of the Maya Angelou Players in Stevenage, said: “Theatre brings communities together and injects life directly into their hearts like a massive hypodermic filled with feelings.

“The seven people who turned up to our last performance of Steven Berkoff’s Faces from Rwanda are the real heroes.”

But Bill McKay, a taxpayer from Stevenage said: “I took this girl I’m trying to fuck to see Faces from Rwanda. I left half way through and went home for a wank.

“It was a splendid evening.”

Helen Archer, from Finsbury Park, said: “The last time I went to the theatre I just kept asking myself ‘what do they think they’re doing?

“Do they not know I’m here? Because if they did there is no way they would be doing this.

“I just kept thinking, ‘absolutely everyone in this building needs to go home and watch television immediately’.”

Martin Bishop, who has been unable to enter a theatre since seeing a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream set in an immigration centre, said: “I love it when famous actors criticise the cuts but then can’t quite seem to go far enough to criticise the massive salaries of bankers.

“It’s odd isn’t it?”



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Teachers not famous enough

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

As the audience somehow increased for Jamie Oliver’s Teaching is Really Easy, government-commissioned research by the Institute for Studies found that around 0% of secondary school teachers were household names.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Schools need to accept that we live in an age where if you haven’t at least been on an ITV2 panel show about penises you aren’t worth listening to.

“Although a few teachers had achieved some limited notoriety – like geography master Stephen Malley in Kent who got a fifth former pregnant and ended up sleeping in the CDT block, or science teacher Tom Logan who is rumoured to have been a weightlifter despite clearly having a draggy leg – pretty much none exhibited a television-recognised talent.

“The nearest we found was Mr John Bailey, deputy head of a school in Nantwich, who started the World Worm Charming Championships. But that was in 1980.”

He added: “Teachers need to spend less time marking and more on raising their media profiles.

“One time-efficient way of achieving this might be to arrange school trips to war zones, where teachers would be able to film each other in heroic shootouts when the battered coach is surrounded by hostile militia.”

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “If doing lots of paperwork was a passport to fame, I would be Elizabeth Fucking Taylor.

“As it stands, I will never be an inspirational figure like Jamie Oliver who is so brilliant at making food hot, or that man Starkey who does history and is like a villainous squirrel from Wind in the Willows.

“What do you mean Alistair Campbell is in it as well?

“I don’t understand. They’re letting him near children?”