Joe Hart reconsiders pre-match greasing routine

MANCHESTER City goalkeeper Joe Hart is reconsidering his pre-game routine of greasing himself all over.

The player began rubbing every part of his body, including his boots and gloves, in goose fat after watching cross-channel swimmers and being impressed with their single-minded determination.

He said: “A thick layer of grease keeps you warm, reduces the chance of chafing and I just love the feel of it on my skin, but I have a nagging worry that it’s decreasing my effectiveness as a player in some way.

“I’ve tried all different kinds of grease, from lard to Fry Light, but lately I’ve begun thinking maybe it would be better if I wasn’t greased at all.”

Hart has decided to take the field ungreased for Saturday’s game against Everton, instead relying on the talismanic properties of wearing his lucky Heelys.

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Blossom is the new essential box set

90s TEEN sitcom Blossom is the next US television must-see, according to TV connoisseurs.

Focusing on a girl in a floppy hat, the sitcom apparently carries a powerful subtext about the emasculation of men and the decline of American power.

Julian Cook, who is considered the ‘TV tastemaker’ among his social group, said: “Blossom has the depth of JD Salinger’s best work, except its makers chose the medium of colour pictures that move and talk.

“It’s the story – the saga, really – of a girl entering womanhood in a man’s world.

“Her absurd headwear represents the ongoing gay rights struggle, and the very special episode where Blossom has to buy tampons is a metaphor for the bloodshed at the heart of US history.”

“I wish I could watch your face when you get to the drugs episode, because whoa. It’s hardcore.”

TV fan Helen Archer said: “I’m not sure, last year I had my fingers burned by some box-set pusher at work telling me to stick with Treme because it gets really good after the first 16 hours.

“But after Breaking Bad ended I am televisually single, not in a relationship with any zeitgeisty show and increasingly desperate.

“Also I don’t want to be the one left in the cold next week when Blossom spoilers are flying around the office.”