Kenyon Named As Successor To Lord Vader

CHELSEA chief executive Peter Kenyon is to succeed Darth Vader when the Imperial enforcer steps down from his post next month.

Kenyon also gets to wear the big, scary hat

Kenyon said he 'leapt at the chance' of carrying on the work of his mentor and was looking forward to strangling people with his mind.

He added: "Lord Vader had some interesting ideas on recruiting young talent, as do I. Jedi mind tricks and attempting to convert offspring produced mixed results.

"I prefer the more traditional route of throwing huge amounts of cash at foreign teenagers and will only slice their hand off if their agent is spotted anywhere in the Greater Manchester area."

According to Imperial sources Kenyon plans a three year £24m tie-up with Pepsi, a controversial move as Stormtroopers' uniforms have never carried a sponsors' logo.

But Kenyon did confirm plans for a £220m refurbishment of the Death Star to include four restaurants, a health club staffed by kidnapped princesses in gold lamé bikinis and 38 luxury apartments each with its own massive laser.

He added: "We are going to create the premier venue for conferencing, corporate hospitality and reducing rebel planets to their constituent atoms."

The Galactic Emperor Palpatine said: "I sensed Vader was losing his edge and I need someone who jumps out of bed every morning with a huge smile on his face and says 'what can I do today to help the Dark Side?'."