Kinnear unable to get any signatures on leaving card

JOE Kinnear has left St James’ Park for the last time with a blank farewell card.

Newcastle United’s departing director of football reported solid interest in the glossy A6-sized rectangle but it remained un-inked.

He said: “To you this might look like a blank card with a picture of a downcast owl on it, but what you can’t see is how close I was to getting Shola thingy to sign it or that other one, the French or Mexican lad?”

Kinnear was an unexpected choice when he was appointed director of football last June, having previously been the least popular manager in the club’s history.

The ex-Wimbledon man’s popularity if anything decreased when he mispronounced the names of several players and indeed the city of Newcastle, but he insisted he should be judged on his signings.

A bullish Kinnear subsequently inundated Lionel Messi’s general mailing address with letters, chasing Cristiano Ronaldo with a ballpoint pen and even insisting a deal for Ferenc Puskas was “all but done”.

However Messi never replied, Ronaldo was too fast and Puskas had passed away in 2006. Many fans felt Kinnear’s subsequent attempt to exhume the Hungarian legend was distasteful.

The low point for Kinnear came in the January transfer window when he unveiled himself as Brazilian winger ‘Kinnearinho’ at a press conference sporting an unconvincing wig.

Few Newcastle United fans fell for the trick, knowing full well that Kinnearinho had just signed for Sporting Lisbon.

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Hideous Londoners forced to travel above ground

THE twisted troglodytes who inhabit London have been forced to expose themselves to daylight. 

The near-blind, cannibalistic subhumans, who usually live their short brutish lives in either tunnels or offices, are now groping their way through the capital’s streets.

Nathan Muir, whose slimy green-white skin began to smoke and blossom into flame when touched by the sun, said: “The yellow eye in the heavens judges me.

“It burns me for my ugliness, because I defied the Lore by exposing my flesh to the Roofless World.”

The stunted goblins are trained from birth never to make eye contact with one another and use their holy text The Met Roe to hide their faces.

Their subterranean world is paralysed by a vicious war between the Riders and the Drivers.

Anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher said: “The Drivers demands an increase in tithe in exchange for spending their lives shackled to the controls of vast mechanical worms.

“Life is unimaginably awful down in the tunnels. There is a form of crude poetry inscribed on the walls, but it’s not anything a normal human could enjoy.”