Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re going to protest against homophobia in the Winter Olympics by giving the same level of a shit about the event as you always do.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re unhappy and you know it, clap them slowly and sarcastically.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You have a really obscure joke about where in France Sean Connery goes for his holidays. It’s niche.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
To celebrate the Chinese Year of the Horse, you’re going to eat nothing but frozen lasagne.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s your third month in the Magnet Kitchen factory this week and it’s only fair to warn you that if you make one more ‘counter productive’ joke you’re going to get a sink unit across the throat.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are many things that make a person feel alive diving into a crystal ocean, the first thrilling kiss of a love affair but right now I think what the patient really needs is 50cc of adrenaline.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The tube strike is going to cost you money this week as there’ll be nobody outside the station to menace for a cup of tea.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember, never say something on social media that you wouldn’t say to that person’s face, you sack of fuck.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you have one of those moments where you walk into a room and completely forget why you’re in there. The handful of warm butter and the courgette might offer some clue.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can call it an ‘open letter’ all you want, but the court will view writing ‘all coppers are bastards’ on the wall of a police station as criminal damage.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Why not liven up the drab, joyless routine of taking methadone by jazzing it up with a Soda Stream?
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nobody gives a shit about your opinion on Woody Allen. Nobody.