Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re going to protest against homophobia in the Winter Olympics by giving the same level of a shit about the event as you always do.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re unhappy and you know it, clap them slowly and sarcastically.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You have a really obscure joke about where in France Sean Connery goes for his holidays. It’s niche.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
To celebrate the Chinese Year of the Horse, you’re going to eat nothing but frozen lasagne.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
It’s your third month in the Magnet Kitchen factory this week and it’s only fair to warn you that if you make one more ‘counter productive’ joke you’re going to get a sink unit across the throat.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
There are many things that make a person feel alive – diving into a crystal ocean, the first thrilling kiss of a love affair – but right now I think what the patient really needs is 50cc of adrenaline.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
The tube strike is going to cost you money this week as there’ll be nobody outside the station to menace for a cup of tea.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Remember, never say something on social media that you wouldn’t say to that person’s face, you sack of fuck.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Friday you have one of those moments where you walk into a room and completely forget why you’re in there. The handful of warm butter and the courgette might offer some clue.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You can call it an ‘open letter’ all you want, but the court will view writing ‘all coppers are bastards’ on the wall of a police station as criminal damage.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Why not liven up the drab, joyless routine of taking methadone by jazzing it up with a Soda Stream?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Nobody gives a shit about your opinion on Woody Allen. Nobody.

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Alien doughnut proves Krispy Kreme not of this Earth

KRISPY Kreme doughnuts are weird because they come from Mars, it has emerged.

A NASA Mars Rover photographed a doughnut-like object that appeared to grow out of the planet’s surface.

Doughnut chain Krispy Kreme has since confirmed this is how all its products are made, which explains unearthly flavours like chocolate dreamcake and lemon meringue pie.

A spokesman said: “Our doughnuts are semi-organic sickly lifeforms harvested from the desolate Martian plains.

“The first Martian doughnut was discover by the Rover spirit in 2004. It was secretly shipped back to Earth where attempts to communicate with it failed.

“Its lurid icing-like carapace encouraged one stereotype ‘greedy person’ technician to take a bite.

“He reported that it was very, very sweet but that he felt strangely compelled to eat a dozen at a time.”

Krispy Kreme fan Mary Fisher said: “That explains why if I leave a half-empty box of Krispy Kreme overnight it has moved across the living room by the morning.

“I knew there was some intelligence at work there.

“Can they feel pain? I hope not but you know, whatever.”