Lady Gaga In Wisden Top Five

POP star Lady Gaga has been named as one of Wisden's cricketers of the year.

The child's drawing of Madonna is a new entry into the cricketing bible, and has already fashioned the award into a hat that looks like a lobster's tuppence.

Wisden assistant editor Julian Cook said: "We're trying to reach a younger audience than usual and besides, if Englishmen can make the list then we could justifiably include a three-seater couch in there."

The English cricketers were named for their sterling performances in South Africa, where they managed to avoid being utterly shellacked.

They were also praised for beating Australia 2-1 in a series dubbed by pundits as a bit like watching a coach full of elderly and confused monkeys crash through the window of a JD Sports.

Virender Sehwag took top spot after Wisden conceded that, despite being distressingly foreign, he did manage to hit the ball a long way away from the fielders with cynical consistency.

Cook said Gaga's inclusion, as well as that of English cricketers, sees a shift away from focusing simply on sporting ability.

He added: "Looking ahead to next year's shortlist, the children do seem to like this Miley Cyrus chap. We're currently planning a sexy centrefold featuring Mr Cyrus on all fours while licking the grass stains off a well-used ball."

Lady Gaga thanked Wisden for its support, adding: "La-la-fashion-dirty-mamamama-goo-goo-la-la-Mike Brearley."


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Maltese Town Dresses Phallic Statue In School Shorts

A MALTESE town is to cover its famous phallic statue in a school uniform to avoid offending the Pope.

Pope Benedict is due to visit the town of Luqa on Saturday, but many fear he may be embarrassed by the Colonna Mediterranea monument unless it looks as if it is poking out of an adolescent boy's fly.

Local mayor, John Schembri, said: "We're having a 30ft pair of shorts made while a local artist is painting a huge mural of a priest with a hungry look in his eye to stand next to it."

The sculpture is to be renamed 'Choirboy Resplendent' and will be fitted with a special collar to to make it look appropriately uncircumcised.

Schembri added: "This is a huge occasion for our village and the last thing we need is an 83 year-old Bavarian catholic gaping in horror at 10 foot of powerfully tumescent Jewishness."

The mayor revealed that an earlier plan to cover the monument with a sheet of plastic was abandoned amid fears it could send the Pontiff into a prophylactic-induced fit.

But Paul Vella Critien, the artist who completed the work in 2006, said: "It shows a shocking ignorance of art that my reinterpretation of an Egyptian obelisk could be confused for…oh, hang on, I see it now. It's a great, big multi-coloured cock, isn't it?"