Leicester’s secret is not playing any good teams

THE KEY to Leicester City’s success is to avoid playing anyone decent, it has been confirmed.

The transformation of Leicester, a team of players who either look like bouncers or people who pick fights with bouncers, into title contenders has left experts baffled.

Some have suggested warlocks have engineered a body-swap with struggling champions Chelsea, while others believe high-profile Leicester fan Gary Lineker is simply lying about his team’s results on Match of the Day.

But manager Claudio Ranieri revealed that Leicester’s rise is down to ensuring they do not play anyone better at football than they are.

Ranieri said: “We accidentally played Arsenal in September and got thrashed, which taught us a valuable lesson. Playing good teams is a sure-fire way to drop points.

“Since then, we’ve avoided Manchester City, Manchester United, Liverpool, and Everton, all of whom have players who are much better than our players.”

At the other end of the table, Newcastle United manager Steve McClaren said: “At least 16 teams in the league are better than us, which is clearly unfair, and the only reason we’re 17th.”

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Buy-to-let landlords just in it for the twisted power trip

BRITAIN’S middle class landlords have admitted that they are just like Walter White from Breaking Bad.

Following stamp duty increases on buy-to-let properties, Britain’s landlords confirmed that the money is less important than the twisted sense of power.

67-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “The cash is great, don’t get me wrong, and I also love using the word ‘portfolio’ to describe the ex-council flat I rent out, but it’s really all about being in charge. I’ve been pushed around all my life and it’s high time I got to fuck someone else over.

“I make the tenants call me ‘El Diablo’ because if they do not I can have them tossed out on the street with all the other vermin.

“When I turn up to do my random ‘decorative repair spot checks’ their children cower in the corner as my shadow falls over them. It’s like a drug.”

Hobbs’s wife Emily said: “The tenants said the boiler was leaking and I just said ‘oh dear, I’ll tell Roy’ with the clear subtext that nothing would be done. We are the puppet masters.

“We’ve always pretended we do this to pay for our retirement or for our grandchildren’s education or some bullshit, but we would be landlords for free. It’s our main pleasure in life apart from watching Dragon’s Den.”