Liverpool Court Drama To Replace Home Matches

FANS have asked for the ownership battle over Liverpool FC to be staged at Anfield in place of the actual football.

Supporters say Tom Hicks and George Gillett’s last-ditch defence of their business interests has called to mind the halcyon days of Djimi Traoré and Phil Babb in its comic desperation.

Meanwhile the arrival of Boston tycoon John W Henry as someone with a proven track record of success who will ultimately turn out to be worse than useless will be an echo of the day when fans would would watch Fernando Morientes piss their hard-stolen money up a wall.

Kop End regular Wayne Hayes said: “It’s good that scousers might actually get something positive from a courtroom instead of a sobbing half-drunk mother promising to look after her son’s Rottweiler.”

The ongoing saga of who gets to own the world’s most expensive probation office looks set for an initial six-week run, with Willy Russell setting the story to a series of lachrymose show tunes and the parts of Hicks and Gillett being played by Elaine Page and Barbara Dickson.

Hayes added: “Rather than watching Gerrard hurtling around the pitch like an ADHD child topped up with Sunny Delight and crack, we’ll have a delightful afternoon of theatre in the round.

“If that’s not too fancy a term for 45,000 sweaty sacks of whining nylon swearing at some foreigners.”

Coach Roy Hodgson said: “A bit of theatre would be nice wouldn’t it? Of course there was no telly when I first started managing football teams. All we had was the theatre and the newspapers. And the radio. I liked the radio.

“Here, they should do that song from Singin’ in the Rain. It’s the one where it’s raining and he’s singing. You know the one I mean.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Teenage Girl Temperamental

faced a fresh pop crisis last night after it emerged that X Factor favourite Cher Lloyd has been behaving like a teenage girl.

Insiders say the Cheryl Cole protegé, whose body weight is mostly eyes and hair, has been weeping for no reason, giving dodgy looks to rival girls and probably having a meltdown about some missing hair straighteners or something.

An X Factor spokesman said: “This is a big deal. Scratch that, it’s a huge deal. The way you can tell it’s a massive deal is the word ‘turmoil’ next to a picture of Cher appearing to strain a bowel motion.

“There’s experts involved and everything. Brain experts. They’re worried. And they’re experts.”

He added: “So you’d better watch the telly this Saturday night, because she might explode in a fine red mist of blood and hormones. Which would cause her turmoil.”

Teenage girl expert, Dr Emma Bradford, said: “If it goes badly on Saturday, Cher may lock herself in the toilet and not come out for ages.

“She’ll probably be alright after a bit though, I expect. Best just to leave her to it.”

Meanwhile former pop star Robbie Williams has offered to help the young singer cope with the pressure of being ridiculous.

He said: “The pressure is very hard. It can actually hurt if you do it wrong. Luckily I was able to cope by using massive amounts of cocaine and believing in UFO abduction.

“I know how to stay grounded. I’m actually something of an expert. At least that’s what the inhabitants of Queznar 5 told me before re-applying my anal probe.

“Am I still fat?”