Sober horses ruin massive piss-up

REVELLERS at the Cheltenham Festival have complained that horses are getting in the way of their drinking.

Men in salmon-coloured shirts have reported that their enjoyment of beer and spirits was jeopardised by large animals with people on their backs.

Punter Tom Logan said: “The horses make it harder to get to the bar. I tried stumbling across the track earlier to visit the Guinness truck and nearly got trampled.

“We come to Cheltenham for the atmosphere. And by atmosphere we of course mean alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol.

“Unless they can find a way to incorporate drinking into the races themselves they will always be an inconvenience.”

However, jockeys have defended the decision in the mid-1990s to add a horse racing element to the Cheltenham Festival.

Jockey Wayne Hayes said: “Fortunately we’re all wasted too. As if anybody would do this sober.”

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Universe actually pretty interesting

STEPHEN Hawking’s life has reminded everyone that the universe is actually pretty interesting.

Hawking, who has died aged 76, was passionately interested in the universe and all the things in it, as opposed to just watching telly or arsing about on Facebook.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “He had a lot of challenges in his life, most importantly being very clever which generally means you get picked on a lot and nobody likes you at school.

“Still he pressed on with his passion for all the deep stuff – the nature of time, man’s place in the universe, the purpose of Jeremy Hunt. And when you think about it, those things really are more interesting than Celebrity Love Island or David Beckham’s new scarf range.

“Go out and look at the sky tonight. It’s absolutely massive.”