Mourinho begins work at small provincial estate agents

JOSE Mourinho has joined an estate agents in Doncaster, pledging to ‘dominate’ the South Yorkshire property market.

But he has already fuelled tensions with a rival agency across the road by claiming they only sell small houses.

Receptionist Wayne Hayes said: “We made a £500 commission on a one-bedroom flat last night and he did a knee slide across the front window, pumping his fists.

“When the regional manager called for a progress report, Mourinho banged on about how the sale was directly due to his genius, rather than Gary pretending there were other buyers interested.”

But with several clients already taking their business elsewhere, Mourinho has begun blaming everything from ‘the wrong kind of houses’, ‘Rightmove bias’ and ‘people living in yurts these days’.

Hayes added: “I genuinely think he may be too much of a bellend to be an estate agent.”

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Blood rain turns you goth, Met Office warns

THE Met Office has warned that anyone exposed to today’s ‘blood rain’ will turn into a goth. 

The blood rain, which has blown into the UK from the vampire city of Selene in Transylvania, will whiten complexions, darken hair and turn any clothing black after exposure of less than a minute. 

Forecaster Bill McKay said: “Only a few drops can instill a lifelong propensity for taking selfies in graveyards, and if any gets in your mouth your taste in music will change forever. 

“If you’ve never seen a pale-skinned woman in a lace blouse with her head back to the sky, singing Type O Negative lyrics in between swigs of snakebite and black as the blood rain falls, trust me you don’t want to.”

Anathema Bathory D’oom of Reading said: “This morning I was called Donna Sheridan and my favourite colour was pink. 

“Now all I think about is death, but in a good way.”