FORMER Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has quit the club after his Russian employers offered to discuss his contract over sushi.
Mourinho said he knew his position was untenable when the club's billionaire owner Roman Abramovich suggested lunch at the Itsu restaurant in Picadilly.
Mourinho said: "He tell me I am to meet his friend Boris. At first I think this okay. Boris is good guy, used to work for civil service in Russia, has big scar across right eye and tooth made of bullet. Always has good joke about Arse.
"But I think I no like uncooked salmon. And the little green bits – I don't even know what they are.
"I think maybes I suggest nice Italian place or maybes for once we go Camden and have Portuguese, given I been here three flippin' years.
"But he insist. He say must be special sushi bar where they serve special hot, hot dish with very expensive ingredient.
"I say 'look, I am special one and no-one tell special one where to have lunch'. I say we go Pizza Express on Fulham Road or I walk."
The Itsu chain is popular with London's rich expatriate Russian community who enjoy the exquisite Japanese raw fish platters, the colourful salads and the incredibly high levels of polonium in the gentlemen's lavatory.
Mourinho added: "I tell Boris. He very disappointed and say he hope my successor will like wasabi. Funny guy."