Mourinho Quits After Sushi Offer

FORMER Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has quit the club after his Russian employers offered to discuss his contract over sushi.

Mourinho said he knew his position was untenable when the club's billionaire owner Roman Abramovich suggested lunch at the Itsu restaurant in Picadilly.

Mourinho said: "He tell me I am to meet his friend Boris. At first I think this okay. Boris is good guy, used to work for civil service in Russia, has big scar across right eye and tooth made of bullet. Always has good joke about Arse.

"But I think I no like uncooked salmon. And the little green bits – I don't even know what they are.

"I think maybes I suggest nice Italian place or maybes for once we go Camden and have Portuguese, given I been here three flippin' years.

"But he insist. He say must be special sushi bar where they serve special hot, hot dish with very expensive ingredient.

"I say 'look, I am special one and no-one tell special one where to have lunch'. I say we go Pizza Express on Fulham Road or I walk."

The Itsu chain is popular with London's rich expatriate Russian community who enjoy the exquisite Japanese raw fish platters, the colourful salads and the incredibly high levels of polonium in the gentlemen's lavatory.

Mourinho added: "I tell Boris. He very disappointed and say he hope my successor will like wasabi. Funny guy."

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Kid Nation Declares War On Disneyland

KID Nation, the US reality TV show, has formed an army and declared war on Disneyland.

Tanks from the youngsters' first mechanised battalion smashed through the polystyrene defences at Annaheim at dawn today and by early morning were besieging the Fairytale Castle.

Eyewitnesses described scenes of horror as at least seven poorly armed dwarves were gunned down while trying desperately to defend themselves with shovels.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were both beheaded after being lured into a giant cheese-ridden trap, while Daffy Duck was killed silently by a Kid Nation CIA 'wet team'.

But amidst the sound of gunfire and grenades, local children cheered as invading tanks pulled down the 'you have to be this tall to ride this ride' sign.

Bob Diggits of CNN said the fighting was the most vicious he had seen in 20 years of covering conflict and raising a family of five squabbling boys.

“I saw Huey, Duey and Louie being strung upside down by their little webbed feet. Pluto was hung with his own lead. Cruella De Vil was fed to a pack of hungry dogs. I saw Snow White being forced to make juice.”

President Billy Timms, 12, said the invasion was justified under international law, insisting his troops would be greeted as liberators.

However, left-wing, pro-Disney activist Noam Chomsky said the invasion was about securing free access to the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. “This is about cheap thrills and hubris,” he added.

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell stressed the need for a robust post-invasion strategy to prevent sectarian civil war between the parade performers and the majority marketing department.