ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.
The world number four fired his long-standing racket amid speculation that he is ridding himself of all tennis-related objects and will contest the US Open buck naked.
Tennisologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “Andy has always had a difficult relationship with every other particle of matter in the universe.
“Coaches have previously been able to harness this misomania by getting him to visualise the ball as being everything in the world that isn’t him, resulting in a thunderous serve of pure existential disgust.
“Although this did cause further problems as he’d often chase the ball across the court after having served it, screaming insults about its mother.”
Tennis officials will meet next week to decide whether Murray’s plan to petulantly glare the ball over the net instead of using a racket is within the rules of the sport.
But Hayes added: “I suspect Andy will cite the third round match in the 1982 Australian Open when John McEnroe forced an opponent to retire just by being a unbearable prick.”
Murray said: “It’s time for me to move on from just hitting a ball as a form of punishment for it not being me. I need to start loathing the entire concept of tennis into submission.
“Although I don’t want to win any of those irritatingly shiny bastard fucking trophy bastard things as a result, unless they remould them into the shape of my face.”