Murray Fires Racket

ANDY Murray has announced that he will no longer be using a racket during tennis matches.

The world number four fired his long-standing racket amid speculation that he is ridding himself of all tennis-related objects and will contest the US Open buck naked.

Tennisologist, Wayne Hayes, said: “Andy has always had a difficult relationship with every other particle of matter in the universe.

“Coaches have previously been able to harness this misomania by getting him to visualise the ball as being everything in the world that isn’t him, resulting in a thunderous serve of pure existential disgust.

“Although this did cause further problems as he’d often chase the ball across the court after having served it, screaming insults about its mother.”

Tennis officials will meet next week to decide whether Murray’s plan to petulantly glare the ball over the net instead of using a racket is within the rules of the sport.

But Hayes added: “I suspect Andy will cite the third round match in the 1982 Australian Open when John McEnroe forced an opponent to retire just by being a unbearable prick.”

Murray said: “It’s time for me to move on from just hitting a ball as a form of punishment for it not being me. I need to start loathing the entire concept of tennis into submission.

“Although I don’t want to win any of those irritatingly shiny bastard fucking trophy bastard things as a result, unless they remould them into the shape of my face.”


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Say 'Nutjob' Not 'Daily Mail Reader', Says Minister

HEALTH professionals should tell patients they are ‘nutjobs’ rather than ‘Daily Mail readers’, the public health minister has claimed.

Anne Milton said terms such as ‘nutjob’, ‘lunatic’, and ‘willfully ignorant fruitloop’ were more likely to motivate to people into not being mad and stupid.

She added: “If I look in the mirror and think ‘I am a Daily Mail reader’ it makes me less worried than if I look in the mirror and  think ‘I’m a total fucking psycho’.”

She said too many staff working in the NHS were worried about using ‘nutjob’, but suggested it could help to encourage personal responsibility, adding: “Just look them in the eye and say ‘you’re a bloody lunatic, now get the hell out of my office before I call the police’.”

The term ‘Daily Mail reader’ comes from the Latin word ‘dailymailreaderus’, which roughly translated means ‘intensive consumption of insanity commissioned by the world’s maddest man’.

Societies have long been worried about problems of excess insanity, though it was not until 1954 when Oxford psychiatrist Stephen Malley linked the Daily Mail with diseases such as screeching mentalness and chronic unhingement.

But some GPs have insisted the words ‘nutjob’ or ‘maniac’ could stigmatise those who are completely off their heads.

Dr Tom Logan, from Stevenage, warned: “Reading the Daily Mail is something that happens to people rather than something they are.

“I would probably say something like ‘can we talk about which newspapers you’ read’ rather than just calling them a total schizoid.”

He added: “That said I do always have a syringe filled with horse tranquiliser concealed in my left hand.”