Muslim Women ‘Must Dress Like Top Gear Presenters’

BRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

Experts say the other one is much more of a tosspot than some people believe

Experts say Muslim women could integrate into British society more effectively but without compromising core Islamic beliefs if they emulate the wardrobes of Jeremy Clarkson, Ian Hammond and the other one.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The attire of the Top Gear presenter is the sartorial embodiment of the late 20th Century middle English values that most of us still cling to like a sinking lifeboat.

“But because it’s also a quite astonishingly unflattering look for a man, it means that when it’s applied to a woman it should satisfy the key Islamic requirement of making you not have dirty thoughts about her.”

There are three standard types of Top Gear garb: blazer and jeans; garish patterned self-consciously untucked shirt and jeans; or the traditional Hammond outfit of some sort of horrific leather-effect jacket borrowed from a creepy uncle, worn with beads and a shit-eating grin.

Prof Brubkaer added: “This policy would have the further bonus of inhibiting Jeremy Clarkson burka-related comments on the BBC which could be complained about by about as many people as you could fit into the boot of a Fiat Punto and thus give those fuckers at the Daily Mail a much easier day’s work than they deserve.

“There might be some resistance from traditionalist clerics who believe that Hammond is some sort of satanic homunculus formed from bodily fluids and saltpetre to do Clarkson’s bidding, if only because that’s what he is.

“But we’ll work around that.”