Muslim Women 'Must Dress Like Top Gear Presenters'

BRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

Experts say Muslim women could integrate into British society more effectively but without compromising core Islamic beliefs if they emulate the wardrobes of Jeremy Clarkson, Ian Hammond and the other one.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The attire of the Top Gear presenter is the sartorial embodiment of the late 20th Century middle English values that most of us still cling to like a sinking lifeboat.

“But because it’s also a quite astonishingly unflattering look for a man, it means that when it’s applied to a woman it should satisfy the key Islamic requirement of making you not have dirty thoughts about her.”

There are three standard types of Top Gear garb: blazer and jeans; garish patterned self-consciously untucked shirt and jeans; or the traditional Hammond outfit of some sort of horrific leather-effect jacket borrowed from a creepy uncle, worn with beads and a shit-eating grin.

Prof Brubkaer added: “This policy would have the further bonus of inhibiting Jeremy Clarkson burka-related comments on the BBC which could be complained about by about as many people as you could fit into the boot of a Fiat Punto and thus give those fuckers at the Daily Mail a much easier day’s work than they deserve.

“There might be some resistance from traditionalist clerics who believe that Hammond is some sort of satanic homunculus formed from bodily fluids and saltpetre to do Clarkson’s bidding, if only because that’s what he is.

“But we’ll work around that.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Retirement Plan Welcomed By Demented, Half-Blind 84 Year-Old Heart Surgeon

BRITAIN’S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.

Bill McKay, former head of cardiac surgery at Peterborough Royal Infirmary, said he hoped to pick up where he left off, attempting to perform a quadruple bypass on a 52 year-old bank manager by going in via his rectum.

The government wants to scrap retirement and slash Britain’s soaring pension bill by ensuring that thousands of tax payers are killed every day by a new army of mentally incapable old people making catastrophic decisions.

Dr McKay, who insists he killed less than 60 people in his last year at work, said: “Is that you Margaret? Come here I want to open up your chest and look for my keys.

“What you have to remember is that heart surgery can be done by anyone at any time and at any age.

“It’s a bit like gutting a fish, except I use a hacksaw and a giant novelty spoon. Will I get a parking space for my giraffe?”

Roy Hobbs, an 87 year-old former bus driver from Exeter, said: “I do miss drivin’ the old number 18. Before them upstairs told me to leave, my favourite thing was hearin’ all them cars bouncin’ off the side of me bus as I pulled out into the fast lane on the M5.

“Them upstairs said I wasn’t supposed to use the M5, but it was nice and straight with none o’ them corners. Don’t like corners.”

Meanwhile Alex Ferguson, an 89 year-old football manager form Cheshire, said: “Fuckin’ basturts can get tae fuck. Where’s ma custard creams?”

Dr McKay added: “Margaret, there’s wee all over the floor. It wasn’t me though, it was that dreadful Mr Attlee.

“Naughty prime minister! Back in your box!”