Newcastle Opt For Magic Beans

NEWCASTLE United today pinned their hopes on a bag of magic beans bought on the way to market.

The relegation threatened club said the beans had been acquired in exchange for an old cow in a deal worth some beans and a cow.

Newcastle fans were ecstatic at the return of the bag of beans which spent 10 glorious years sitting on the opposition goal line at St James's Park.

The beans will now be thrown out of a window in a last-ditch bid to keep the Magpies in the top flight.

Bill McKay, vice-chairman of the Toon Army supporters club, said: "Why waste money on an experienced manager with a good track record who knows how to get the best out of an unremarkable squad when you can just some chuck some magic beans into the garden and see what happens next?

"After years of disappointment and instability, Newcastle fans can now look forward to a period of beanstalks, stolen geese, thwarted, bread-making giants and an unlimited supply of big, shiny golden eggs."

But Charlie Reeves, football analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: "It's a bold move. The only obstacle I can foresee is that while magic beans have been known to work, their success is limited exclusively to children's fairytales.

"The problem is that the Premier League is very real and, unfortunately for Newcastle, a bag of magic beans is not going to work just because they really, really want it to."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

City Workers Urged To Dress Like Scum And Talk About 'Corrie'

WORKERS in the City of London can protect themselves from violent protesters by dressing like scum and talking about something called 'Corrie', it was claimed last night.

Financial institutions in the Square Mile and Canary Wharf are advising staff after the police warned that militant activists will use the G20 summit to target any well-nourished person in a suit who looks as if they earned more than £40,000 in the last year.

Guidelines issued by one City firm include:

  • Instead of a suit and tie wear a 'sweatshirt', ideally with a 'hood'. Give your secretary £10 and tell her to buy one from 'George' at 'Asda'.
  • If you and a colleague find yourself in a public space, do not talk about your favourite consistency of paté or the outstanding quality of the powder at Jackson Hole. Instead, use phrases like 'Did you see Corrie last night?' or 'wasn't Corrie really good?'. You do not need to know what 'Corrie' is.
  • Speak in a slovenly manner. Instead of 'coming' and 'going' say 'comin' and 'goin'. And every few minutes you should make a disgusting noise at the back of your throat as if you are about to spit, or 'gob'.
  • If you find yourself in conversation with a cheaply-dressed stranger, stick to generalities and avoid telling them that they are merely insignificant pawns in a complex, never-ending game that is entirely beyond their feeble, working class minds.

A Met spokesman said: "If your disguise does not work and you are threatened by scum, do not try to impress them with the five games you played at stand-off for the university third XV, or the fact that you used to box for Cambridge.

"They will simply hit you with a bottle and then use you as a missile to throw at the police."