MPs To Claim For Black Markers Used To Censor Expenses Claims

MPs are expected to claim thousands of pounds for the black markers they will use to censor their expenses claims, it emerged last night.

On the day backbenchers accepted a 2.3% pay rise they warned that paying for the extra- thick marker pens themselves would leave them with very little change from their £65,000 salaries.

Meanwhile, as the Daily Mash launched its 'Send Your MP a Photograph of Ceausescu Shortly Before They Put Him Up Against a Wall' campaign, the leaders of the three main parties pretended to call for an immediate overhaul of the expenses system in a concerted bid to make the story go away.

Gordon Brown told reporters at Downing Street: "Let me be clear – I will say whatever it is you need me to say about this until you get bored of it."

Tory Leader David Cameron added: "Until you get bored of this issue, anything that needs to be said, I'll say it. I am absolutely clear on that."

And Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg insisted: "I couldn't be clearer on this. Until the boredom sets in, the things that need to be said to you by me will be said by me."

But Tom Logan, Labour MP for North Watford, said: "It's vital that backbench MPs are able to maintain a steady supply of really good black markers, especially those that live more than 15 minutes from central London.

"Everyone knows that the further you get from London the drier and less effective your marker pen becomes.

"Indeed in my constituency a marker pen will only work if it is accompanied by a 42" plasma screen TV, an antique fireplace and all 14 volumes of Big Wet Asses."

He added: "Luckily I'll never have to explain any of that thanks to the black marker pen. It's what's known as a 'virtuous circle'."

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Can I Have One That's House Trained? Asks Madonna

MADONNA yesterday told a Malawian court she was keen to adopt another small African as long as it was house trained and had received all its jabs.

The pop star is looking to add to her collection of Malawians, which she described as strong characters, with deep rooted hunting instincts who took well to training but were in need of strong discipline from the start.

Madonna currently has one Malawian, a three-year old male called David and it is thought she may be looking for another as either a companion or to form a breeding pair.

A spokeswoman for the singer said: "Malawians are generally friendly and can make do with little exercise as long as they have a garden to tear around, ideal really for a hard working single mum.

"But they do love to be with their own kind, so it is advisable not to leave one alone too much, as a bored Malawian is a destructive one."

She added: "In general they are very hardy little things, and they can jump much higher than you would think to look at them.

"But this, coupled with their enjoyment of digging, necessitates a tall secure fence or wall around any outdoor play area."

The spokeswoman said Madonna found Malawians unbearably cute but she was keen to secure one with good bladder control as she had recently purchased a new hall carpet for her main home in London.

Africans have proved a popular breed among celebrities in recent years with actress Angelina Jolie adding one to her collection, which also includes a Cambodian, a Vietnamese, an English springer spaniel and one of those weird-looking bald cat things.