My Big Gap Year: Slum Girls Have All The Luck

At the backpackers’, I met two Hindi girls called Bindi and Sunita. They were lovely but I did point out that they didn't look particularly Hindu. Sure enough I soon discovered their real names were Fi and Tori and they were taking a gap year from their German honours course at Cambridge. Despite being a posh English girl Bindi had the Sanskrit word for 'India' tattooed onto her ankle – that's how serious she was about being all Hindu. Pretty impressive and certainly much more serious about it than David Beckham.

They also said 'Slumdog' was the best film they'd ever seen, so we all agreed that we had to experience one of these slums immediately. But despite our efforts, we ended up in a rather nice place with trees and pavements. After a fruitless half hour of urchin-hunting we found a small tea house with a table of gorgeous guys inside it, drinking tea. Turns out they were Israeli and had come to India to relax after their gruelling military service and had decided to use bales of skunk as their relaxation method. They soon invited us back to unwind. As Hindus, Bindi and Sunita weren't sure but the waiter said it was fine, and he was a local so he must have known. After a few bong-rounds back at the cabin, they spoke about their tough years in the military working at checkpoints (a bit like Tesco, but slightly more dangerous, apparently). They told us that being Israeli is something no foreigner can truly understand. But really, us girls totally related to their plight: Bindi and Sunita started crying because they were ashamed to be studying German and said their parents were a bit like the Nazis for making them go to university.

Then, I had an amazing idea: we should form a band! We could travel the world and create awareness about Israel. Everyone wanted to be the sitar player, so eventually we decided the band would have nine sitar players and a rhythm section. I offered to play that mad Indian drum thing that kind of sounds like a plop. Unfortunately, no-one knew how to say 'plop' in Hindi so when we went back to the tea shop to ask the waiter he just got confused. The Israelis then called him a stupid bastard, which was kind of excessive, but they have been through a lot.

After our failure to find a plop drum the band will now have nine sitar players and a decks master. We also decided to adopt stage names. I wanted to be Chewbacca, but they said it sounded too much like Jewbacca and was ruled out as anti-semitic. I eventually went with DJ Bombay Mix Master, partly because of its huge role in Mumbai history, but mostly because I was peckish. It's the heady combination of spicy chickpeas and militant Judaism, that makes Mumbai the greatest city in the world!

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A Cinderella Story Of Millionaires Supported By Billionaires Supported By Banks

THE Brawn racing team completed a Cinderella story yesterday after clinching the opening grand prix of the season with nothing more than millions and millions of pounds.

The victory in Australia marked a stunning turnaround in fortunes for the humble, soot-covered team, created just months ago after a management buy-out involving fairy dust and money.

Winning driver Jensen Button said: "I suppose it's a bit like David beating Goliath if David and Goliath had been roughly the same size."

Like many of the characters in Cinderella, the senior members of the Brawn GP team live in large, comfortable houses and have domestic staff. They also attend lavish parties in expensive vehicles and own footwear made from a variety of exotic substances.

The team has also recently acquired a bearded fairy-godmother with her own fleet of Boeing 747s, a train company and an island in the Caribbean.

Meanwhile Jensen Button lives in a luxury apartment in Monte Carlo so he doesn't have to pay income tax on his multi-million pound salary, exactly like Cinderella.

A Brawn GP spokesman said: "We made this car with nothing more than lollipop sticks, elastic bands and an enormous amount of money.

"But we have had to tighten our belts which has meant using private jets, helicopters and five star hotels like some band of travelling gypsies."

He added: "It's a fairytale come true for a group of dedicated people whose lives were already a fairytale come true and have been for a number of years."