DIRTY bombs are nowhere near as dirty as some of the stuff you can get on cable, home secretary Jacqui Smith said last night.
Ms Smith said that while the terrorist weapons could spread radiation over wide area they paled in comparison to pay-per-view classics such as Spermaholics, the Texas Vibrator Massacre and Big Wet Asses 14.
In a keynote speech on security and immigration, Ms Smith said that 21st Century Britain is like a lone female driver who has broken down in the middle of nowhere and is waiting for a greasy, inarticulate mechanic to turn up and fiddle around under her bonnet.
The home secretary told the Fabian Society: "He'll pop my hood and polish my rivets and then I'll ask him to pull out the dipstick.
"I'll wipe it with a clean, dry cloth and then we'll find out exactly how much fluid there is in my tubes."
Ms Smith said terrorism could only be defeated if people from different communities were willing to put aside their grievances and work together, much like the all-female cast of Strap-On Gang Bang 7.
The home secretary also outlined plans for a renewed crackdown on economic migrants, adding: "Unless of course it's some dirty big Polish plumber who's just desperate to show me what he can do with his plunger.
"Okay, so his English is not very good and his national insurance contributions might not be up to date, but at least he can flush my u-bend and tighten my leaky flange."