What's A Physics? Ask GCSE Pupils

CONCERNS have been raised over the standard of science teaching after it emerged thousands of GCSE pupils could not tell the difference between a microscope and a frog.

Exam regulator Ofqual has demanded urgent action by ministers before a child suffers serious internal injuries from trying to drink a bag of carpet tacks.

Ofqual said the dumbing down of science teaching has led to children being awarded physics GCSEs for running head first into a wall, while the chemistry exam involves making a glass of Ribena without getting yourself or anyone else pregnant.

Meanwhile one child was awarded a 'B' grade after claiming gravity was invented in 1994 by his Uncle Derek.

A spokesman said: "We risk creating a generation of adults who will not only lack vital 21st century skills, but who also risk electrocuting themselves while trying to release the tiny people trapped inside their television sets."

Questions from last year's science GCSE paper include:

  • Where is 'up'? Is it: (a) up (b) down (c) Thursday?
  • If a falling object accelerates at 10 metres per second per second, who is your favourite character on Desperate Housewives?
  • Why aren't aeroplanes made from butter?

Schools mininster Jim Knight defended the exam system, adding: "As long as the most able pupils are being stretched we just have to make sure the rest of them know the difference between hot and cold so they don't keep shoving their head into the deep fat frier at KFC."

 

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Therapists Offer To Reduce Gayness To Weekends Only

MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.

In a survey 97% of mental health professionals said that if a patient came to them asking to be made less gay or not gay at all, they would be more than happy to sign them up for an introductory period of 48 weekly sessions.

Therapist Dr Bill McKay said: “My programme of weekend gayness allows many people to control their Monday to Friday perversions leaving them free to enjoy playful office banter about bums and titties.

“In order to control the gayness I show them pictures of naked ladies, sometimes on all fours with a sexy, come-hither look on their face, sometimes with legs akimbo.

“I then ask the patient if he is experiencing erections.

“Of course, we can’t cure people overnight and in the vast majority of cases it takes years and years and years and years of weekly therapy at £150 an hour.

“It sounds like a lot, but as I always tell them, you can’t put a price on being slightly less gay.”