Attack On Goodwin Wasn't My Fault Either, Says Brown

GORDON Brown last night added the attack on the home of Sir Fred Goodwin to the list of things that are not his fault.

The prime minister denied stoking hatred towards bankers just hours after a speech in Washington DC in which he compared them to Frank Booth, the homicidal maniac from Blue Velvet.

Mr Brown said: "They go around sucking nitrous oxide from a tank and offering to fuck anything that moves. It's completely irresponsible.

"And all I've ever said about Fred Goodwin is that he's a mad scientist who has created an eight foot tall monster with a bolt through its neck that wants to murder you in your bed and steal your daughters.

"If the villagers then decide to grab their pitchforks and their torches, storm his castle, drag him to the town square and hang him from a lamppost while screaming 'die! die! die!' then that is entirely a matter for them."

The prime minister also said his recent request to sup ale from Sir Fred's hollowed-out skull was a 'playful aside' that was not meant to be taken literally.

He added: "It is important that everyone remains calm while remembering at all times exactly whose fault this is."

Meanwhile the Treasury has confirmed it will probably not embark on a new round of spending and tax cuts after the financial markets decided that UK government debt was about as appetising as a deep fried shit in a bap.

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Archbishop Of Canterbury Talks Himself Out Of A Job

THE Archbishop of Canterbury talked himself out of a job last night.

In a keynote sermon the head of the Anglican church insisted that God didn't care, praying was a waste of time and that we are all completely on our own.

Speaking at York Minster, Dr Rowan Williams, said: "God is not going to do anything so stop praying because it just makes you look stupid.

"Does he even exist? How the hell should I know? What I can tell you is that not once in the entire history of the world has he intervened to stop bad things happening and I certainly don't expect him to start now.

"Famine, genocide, global warming – if you're waiting for God to sort it out you'd better bring a flask and a packed lunch because you will be there all day.

"I suppose there might be a God, but even if there is I suspect he's a very lazy, selfish God who finds you and all your friends incredibly tedious."

Experts stressed that if God was either indifferent or did not exist then then it raised the important theological question of what the fuck was the point of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Dr Julian Cook, of Gibb's College, Oxford, said: "And if God's not going to do anything about global warming then why the hell am I listening to this fruitcake talking about it? We may as well make Michael Fish the Archbishop of Canterbury."

Dr Williams added: "Anyway, this does mean you will have to find something else to do on Sunday mornings between 11 and 12. Personally, I'm a big fan of Countryfile."