Newcastle United uses up five months’ worth of goals

STEVE McClaren has admitted Newcastle United has scored its last goal until March.

After putting six past a Norwich side later declared clinically dead by team medics, the club’s manager apologised for not spacing them out a bit more.

McClaren said: “I was shouting ‘slow down, you mad bastards’ but they were all giddy

“At least we haven’t got the world’s most unrealistically optimistic fans expecting six more next weekend…

“Jesus wept.”

Newcastle’s next fixture, the North East derby against Sunderland, could even see them become the first side to score a negative number of goals, such is the expected backlash from Sunday’s rout.

McClaren said: “And I’d been working so very hard on my Geordie accent. What a terrible shame.”

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Diverse London bus inspires anti-racist rant

A WOMAN on a London bus suddenly launched into a monologue condemning racism, it has emerged.

39-year-old office administrator Helen Archer was on a packed bus in Kensal Rise when she noticed a white man and a black man assisting a Muslim woman with a pushchair.

She said: “All these different types of people come over here, and they live alongside each other perfectly well.

“It’s good.”

Archer then stood up and directed her forward-thinking monologue at the entire bus carriage: “Look at all the many races on this bus. Once you strip away the external differences like skin tone and hat type they all have the same basic human needs and desires.

“It’s very reassuring that we all learn to enjoy each other’s art, music and food even if it seems strange at first. Maybe humanity does have a chance.

“Racism can fuck off.”

She added: “Thanks everyone. Sorry didn’t mean to swear.”

Fellow passenger Roy Hobbs said: “That was pretty awkward but overall a much higher quality of rant than we’re used to on this route.

“As ever I kept staring intently at my Metro throughout, but I was listening and taking it on board.”