Newcastle United uses up five months’ worth of goals

STEVE McClaren has admitted Newcastle United has scored its last goal until March.

After putting six past a Norwich side later declared clinically dead by team medics, the club’s manager apologised for not spacing them out a bit more.

McClaren said: “I was shouting ‘slow down, you mad bastards’ but they were all giddy

“At least we haven’t got the world’s most unrealistically optimistic fans expecting six more next weekend…

“Jesus wept.”

Newcastle’s next fixture, the North East derby against Sunderland, could even see them become the first side to score a negative number of goals, such is the expected backlash from Sunday’s rout.

McClaren said: “And I’d been working so very hard on my Geordie accent. What a terrible shame.”