North West particularly unbearable

TRAVELLERS have been warned that large areas of North West England are currently more awful than normal.

Large swathes of the population have been spotted strutting around like they do not live in a bleak outcrop of land which should really be at the bottom of the Irish Sea.

Meanwhile, others have been heard making keening noises usually associated with having their warm, flat bitter taken away from them.

North West specialist, Dr Wayne Hayes, said: “It’s about football, as these things always are.

“The RAF is air-dropping economy size bags of crisps until everything returns to ghastly normality.

“Stay away for at least a year.”

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Frost teases apology from God

GOD has apologised to mankind in a dramatic interview with the late Sir David Frost.

The deity admitted he had ‘let people down’ by inventing cancer, food packaging and Daily Mail columnist Liz Jones.

Looking intently at God, Sir David leaned forward and said: “At what point did you think Liz Jones would be a good idea?”

God sighed heavily and replied: “I don’t regret inventing Liz Jones, I regret letting her do things.”

God added: “People can forgive the original mistake, what they can’t forgive is allowing Liz Jones to express her thoughts in a national newspaper.

“For that I am deeply sorry.”

The deity agreed to his first interview in 5,000 years to promote a new edition of the Bible designed specially for the Samsung Galaxy S4.

Frost made the God interview his top priority as soon as he arrived in the afterlife and is now drawing up plans for a new TV channel that will rewrite the rules of broadcasting for the deceased.

Meanwhile, it is understood a drunken God telephoned the interviewer at three o’clock in the morning and accused him of trying to ‘fuck him over’ before reminding Frost that he outlived Peter Cook by 18 years.