Offside rule incredibly straightforward

THE offside rule is so simple even a female human could understand it, experts have confirmed.

As Sky Sports launched some dreary investigation into the brains of Andy Gray and Richard Keys, experts said it would be impossible for a woman to not understand the offside rule because it is one of the rules of football.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Of all the non-American sports, football is easily the most childishly simple.

“This is not Fermat’s Last Theorem. It is a game designed specifically for low-grade morons who have to be told when to go to the toilet.

“Claiming you don’t understand the offside rule is just one of those things people say at parties, because if they really didn’t understand it they would be either a potato or a bar of soap.”

Helen Archer, a woman from Stevenage, said: “Yes, that all seems perfectly straightforward. And I assume when you say two opposing players that would obviously include the goalkeeper? Okay, that’s fine.

“Now, what really concerns me about this whole offside thing is what happens to the player who has been caught offside. He’s going to be very upset and I really hope his teammates are there for him.

“Do they all go for some pasta and a glass of wine and just let him cry it out? Or do they spend the afternoon going mental in John Lewis trying on stuff they can’t really afford?”

She added: “If I was caught offside I’d probably just stay in with my best friend and a big tub of Chunky Monkey and stare at Colin Firth’s chin until I cream myself.”

 

From the vaults:
Female ref books player for not listening

Coulson 'knew he was going to resign' claims Guardian

FORMER Number 10 press chief Andy Coulson must have known about his own resignation, the Guardian claimed today.

In a 4.5m page exposé the paper revealed that Coulson hired a private detective to hack into his mobile phone and then send him transcripts of what he had said.

According to the paper’s investigation, if Coulson has seen the transcripts then he would have known that he discussed resigning as early as last week, but deliberately failed to tell the Fire Brigade.

Coulson said today: “I had no idea I was going to resign. The only people who knew were the private detective, my wife, the prime minister and all the people who report directly to me and do exactly what I say as if their job depended on it.

“I am disappointed in all of them but I have found that I can no longer fulfil my role in Downing Street and deny asking someone to find out what Andy Gray said to some bloody sports agent’s personal assistant and whether Sienna Miller is secretly into pasty, dark haired Essex boys.

“And I also hate working with Vince Cable. He’s a fucking arsehole.”

Coulson has been under intense pressure from the Guardian after spending four years giving News of the World readers exactly what they wanted and then having the sheer affrontery to get a well paid job working for someone they disagree with.

Meanwhile Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger has launched a new campaign calling for Coulson to resign from his next eight jobs.

He added: “I will only give up when Rupert Murdoch shuts down Fox News and then sends me a lovely card saying he has been wrong about everything all along.”

Bill McKay, a man who was stopped in the street in Peterborough, said: “Who’s Andy Coulson? Really? Is that all?”

 

From the vaults:
Guardian ‘Hacking Phones To Get Incredibly Boring Stories’
News Of The World Readers Could Not Care Less