What gives? asks Tony the Prick

GOOMBA sleazeball Tony ‘the Prick’ Blair was being questioned today about his role in the Iraq war scamola.

The neocon kingpin was picked up in cental London this morning, but immediately denied killing lots of people and making huge amounts of money.

He said: “I am a businessman of some standing in this community. I go to church. I pray at the feet of the Blessed Mother and you drag me in here like I am some paisano with dirt under his fingernails.

“I should wish for you to be found in the trunk of a car with a bullet in your skull if I was a man of violence which I am not.”

Blair, also known as ‘Tony Blair Associates’ and ‘The Tony Blair Faith Foundation’ insisted the war was ‘all above board and legitimate’.

He said: “War? What war? It was piece of business, a transaction. What am I, some fuckin’ bustavagone?

“I get a call from a guy. He needs a thing. I say sure, no problem, long as I get my beak wet.

“I’m not gettin’ any younger and I gotta put bread on the table. JP Morgan don’t exactly hand out consultancies like they is communion wafers.”

The authorities presented sworn testimony from former associate Jack Straw who claims he only supported the war because Blair drugged him and then placed him in bed with a dead male prostitute.

But Blair dismissed the allegations, adding: “Hey, G-man what can I tell you? Go talk to my lawyers. But not Goldsmith ’cause he’s a fuckin’ mook.”

Tony the Prick is the biggest catch among more than 100 suspects who have been questioned including Gordon ‘Spiderman’ Brown and Alastair ‘the complete and utter psychopath’ Campbell.



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Government to deploy riot scouts

ARMED Scouts with kevlar woggles are the future of riot control, the government has confirmed.

With civil disobedience on the increase and police facing cutbacks, ministers believe ‘riot scouts’ aged 8-13 could provide an economical alternative to the Territorial Support Group.

A Home Office spokesman said: “They will be working alongside riot police, mainly using black widow catapults firing non-lethal rubber ball bearings, also using their small stature to sneak up to people and punch them in the nuts.

“Of course there’s a risk involved, crowd control situations can be dangerous, especially if you’re wearing shorts.

“But not only is this a great opportunity for scouts to help their local community, the only expense for the taxpayer is merit badges, squash and digestive biscuits.

“And remember these are the tough, older boys. Not beavers or anything. Although beavers could be good for intelligence gathering.”

Riot scouts were recently deployed at a student demonstration in Leeds, where five protesters were controversially left with semi-permanent ball bearing injuries.

Cub scout Stephen Malley said: “I got my kettling badge and also my destroying evidence badge, for smashing a camera.

“There was lots of smoke and running around. Akela was shouting orders but he got hit by something that looked like a brick and went to sleep with some blood coming out of his ear.

“Roy, who is 13 and a rover scout, said ‘Akela’s down!’ I was determined to avenge him.

“Everyone was scared and started running around but then I made a fire under a bus and it blew up which frightened the people who were fighting us into running away.

“Overall it was a fun day and I learned that students must be culled like sheep.”