A POLICE protection officer has been suspended after destroying Britain’s relationship with not having to look at Ed Balls.
Detective constable Paul Rice is understood to be devastated, insisting he had no idea his affair with Alan Johnson’s wife would have such catastrophically nauseating consequences.
Rice had been assigned to Johnson when he was home secretary, but Johnson had tried to keep the protection officer when he became shadow chancellor as Rice knows far more about economics.
A source said: “If he could have had an affair with Ed Balls’ wife he would have. But he’s not really into 13 year-old boys.”
Johnson resigned yesterday allowing Labour leader Ed Miliband to fill your television screens day after day with the man tipped widely to succeed Harriet Harman as the worst person who has ever existed.
Miliband said: “I am sorry to see Alan go. He had just discovered how many fives there are in 50. But it does now mean we can have a shadow cabinet made up solely of freaks.
“Ed, his lovely ‘wife’, Liam Weird, Jim the Experiment and in Douglas Alexander it means for the first time in British history the shadow foreign secretary is an annoying pre-teen lesbian.”
Miliband believes his shadow cabinet can now out-freak a government that includes some of Britain’s creepiest teenage boys, one of whom is ginger and Scottish.
Tom Logan, professor of politics at Reading University, said: “Osborne versus Balls. Squeaking at each other. On telly. Every day.
“Paul Rice is such a fucking dick.”