Popular music to improve

WITH almost eight million people under 25 unemployed popular music could soon be slightly less vacuous, it emerged last night.

With rising university fees, bankers killing anything that moves and wave upon wave of unremitting social grimness Britain’s abandoned generation now has no excuse not to deliver a series of outstanding tunes.

Nineteen year-old singer-songwriter Michael Firth, said: “Most of my songs so far have been about problems with my mobile phone contract and the exceedingly long till queues in H&M.

“With Coldplay’s next album covering the subject of OCD I did think I was penning some fairly meaty stuff.

“But faced with the prospect of having to fill pork pies with jelly for a living I am now officially angst-sodden.

“We’re totally fighting a class-based financial war and I have a burning desire to reflect it in a song that will inevitably sound quite like Eton Rifles.”

Simon Cowell has also been moved by the plight of his customers and has ordered his indentured songwriters to focus on alienation and the need for far-reaching social and economic reform.

X Factor winner Matt Cardle said: “It’s tough out there for the kids right now. Money’s tight and they need some classic tunes to let them feel we’re all in this together.

“So my new single is about how I met this beautiful girl, but the vibe wasn’t right in the club so I ended up talking to someone else.”

He added: “If you had asked me six moths ago if I was going to be this generation’s Joe Strummer I would probably have said no.”



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Local TV to give prejudiced, small-minded communities a voice

SMALL regional TV stations are to provide an outlet for the stupid opinions of petty, annoying bigots living in remote places.

Culture secretary Jeremy Chunt is inviting windbags, freaks and racists from the nation’s most godforsaken places to have a crack at running their own television stations.

He said: “The existing, London-centric content does cater for idiots – but not local idiots. Plus I can’t wait to see what these inbreds come up with.”

Retired army officer Julian Cook, who lives in a hamlet near Minety and has a ‘No Turning’ sign at the bottom of his drive, has been granted one of the first local TV licenses for his home-based channel called ‘The Gladstone’.

He said: “There will be a daily minstrel show featuring myself and Ian the butcher as ‘The Coco Brothers’, vole racing live from the village hall and footage of next door’s hedge, which is in a terrible state and needs sorting out.

“Plus I will be hosting a weekly discussion show titled I Think This Lot Should Be Put On An Island And Blown Up Because…

“And we are going to do a remake of Lost using wheat instead of actors.”

Some local television formats have already been picked up by major broadcasters.

Farmer Roy Hobbs has developed the game show Bloody Funny Business, where a brother and sister must share a room for a week without committing any incestuous acts in order to win agricultural machinery.

It will transfer to Channel Five in the summer.