Plucky Lithuania set out to injure as many players as possible

THE Lithuania side are looking forward to going in studs-first on England’s big names in tonight’s Euro qualifier.

The country is neither small enough to comically field postmen nor good enough to earn a draw, so contents itself with collecting bloodied opposition shirts to mount in public buildings.

Captain Tadas Kijanskas said: “We might get a goal, but in our country football is a bloodsport which Amnesty International is attempting to ban.

“The violence will simmer slowly through the first half, build after the break and reach its crescendo when Roy Hodgson has ill-advisedly used all three substitutes because he remembers it once working for Sven.

“Sirgedas, our youngest player, wants the scalp of Harry Kane for his children.”

Hodgson said: “Wayne is up for it, but Stankevicius plays for Leicester so these are threats from a man well-versed in the art of war.

“We’ll be running away and only kicking the ball by chance, so I’ve got us down for a 2-0 win.”