Plucky Lithuania set out to injure as many players as possible

THE Lithuania side are looking forward to going in studs-first on England’s big names in tonight’s Euro qualifier.

The country is neither small enough to comically field postmen nor good enough to earn a draw, so contents itself with collecting bloodied opposition shirts to mount in public buildings.

Captain Tadas Kijanskas said: “We might get a goal, but in our country football is a bloodsport which Amnesty International is attempting to ban.

“The violence will simmer slowly through the first half, build after the break and reach its crescendo when Roy Hodgson has ill-advisedly used all three substitutes because he remembers it once working for Sven.

“Sirgedas, our youngest player, wants the scalp of Harry Kane for his children.”

Hodgson said: “Wayne is up for it, but Stankevicius plays for Leicester so these are threats from a man well-versed in the art of war.

“We’ll be running away and only kicking the ball by chance, so I’ve got us down for a 2-0 win.”

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Nobody cares about second baby, Kate told

THE Duchess of Cambridge has been advised that interest in her forthcoming baby is hovering around zero.

The baby, due sometime next month or whenever, will be greeted by the public with a yawn and reaching for the remote, Kate has been informed.

A Palace insider said: “Kate has kept bringing up the fact that she’s pregnant in conversations with the public and the media only for them to politely change the subject.

“It remains a universal law that, while everyone’s ready to discuss preparations and have the name conversation during the first pregnancy, there is no appetite to do the same thing again two years later.

“This baby will never be King. At best we’re looking at a Prince Harry, at worst a Prince Andrew.

“Nobody’s going to be sending any presents for that.”

The Duchess told an onlooker at a public engagement: “Yes, isn’t it exciting? And actually it’s going to be a girl, which I haven’t told anybody before, and I’m calling her Carol after my mum.

“Did anyone hear that? Hello? Is anybody listening to me?”